Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,

Red flags & signs from the universe

It's time.....time for me talk. I need it. It has to happen. I'm putting some things on the line by talking, but it has to happen if I ever have any chance whatsoever of moving past this fucked up crap that was my life from late 2010 until late 2016. I get it if you don't like me referring to someone as the devil or a monster or any of the nasty names i will either call B or eventually call him (I have a lot of has to come out). I get if we can't be friends after this. I get if you knew him before me and you choose him. well guess what? I choose me (and no, not in that Kelly Taylor 90210 kind of way...been there, done that and regretted it a few weeks later when i did it and then pined for the dude for god knows how damn long but couldn't woman up and say "i fucked up". thankfully the universe sends us another chance sometimes.). I want to move on. I don't want someone else to have to "pay" for another guy's shit. I'm not like that.

Anyway....I also believe the universe sends us signs, messages, warning and red flags. It's just a matter of whether we choose to listen to them or not. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad.

When I met B, it was 2 weeks after my dying father vetoed my leaving Los Angeles to move back to Ohio to spend time with him. I took it as a sign. It was perfect....almost too perfect. That should've been a know, that whole "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" stuff. I blew it off as me just not trusting people. I can seriously count on 1 hand the people i trust more than 80% and probably only 2 that get the 100% from me.

I've met people where the second we started talking, i felt perfectly at ease. I'm still friends with both of these people....they're the 2 people in my life who i'd trust with my life. I didn't get that with was always "when does the other shoe drop" (should've been a red flag, but then again, one could argue that I put that bad mojo out in the the universe and attracted it")

Should've been a red flag when we had only been dating about a month and he got into a huge argument with one of my 2 100-percenters over splitting a brunch tab of all things. Nope......just ignore that red flag Amy. Ladies....i swear, chicks over dicks. live with that mantra....if your bestie tells you "i get a bad vibe" have a serious thought session with yourself about the situation.

should've been a red flag when the first time he told me that he loved me, I didn't have those "butterflies" in my tummy. That mindblowing overwhelming of emotions, but I just chalked it up to my being emotionally numbed by numerous heartbreaks at that point. it was more of a "really? oh, that's cool. let's do this us thing then"

should've been a red flag when he always wanted to be at his apartment, but I chalked that up to my having a roommate and him having his own place. I also told myself "well he has the dog. It's still being rehabbed from being abused & being at the pound. He's needier than your 11 year old cat" So most nights at his place, it was.

should've been a red flag when we had only been together for 3 months, he asked me to move in with him while we were in Vegas. Nope....not me....blinded by bright lights, one of the most expensive meals I've ever eaten and probably a few cocktails, I thought "well crap, your parents only knew each other for 3 months when they just said fuck it, eloped and stayed married for 50+ years" Sure....why the hell not.

should've been a red flag when we went apartment hunting and he insisted we get the apartment farthest away from 90% of my friends because it was rent-controlled and it was closer to all the casting offices that constantly called me in for audition. I backed off because well, hey, he was moving away from his friends too.

should've been a red flag when he told me that 2 of my former roommates/friends advised him against living with me.....boldface lies. both of them still to this very day will deny they ever said any such thing. He swears up and down, back and forth that they did but they just don't want to hurt my feelings. This should've been a red flag that he was trying to distance me from my friends even more than already moving me away from them, but i ignored it.

should've been a red flag when my father died and instead of supporting me. He not only didn't fly to Ohio with me for the funeral, he accused me of faking my panic attacks and making myself sick when i got back to Los Angeles.

Those are just some of the signs in the first year we were together.....THE FIRST know, when you should be having tons of fun (which yeah we did), getting to know each other and seeing where things lead.

The fact of the matter is that I ignored the signs because I simply didn't want to be lonely. He was my first exclusive boyfriend in almost 10 years of being in Los Angeles, I was all insecure about my age and finding someone to be with as Los Angeles will do that to your head. i finally had someone who at least took some interest in what I did though the longer we were together, the more it waned.

Strangely, when this whole messy nightmare was over 5 years later. That's all I wanted....was to be alone. Alone with the peace and quiet I hadn't heard in years. Alone to watch what I want, when I wanted, dick around on social media when I want, cook what I wanted, do whatever I wanted. Alone to find me again.

Then the universe sent me a sign that screamed "psstt....over here." and i didn't ignore it (after ignoring it several times in the past). we are today. Signs are all around us. It's just whether we choose to acknowledge them or not.
Tags: #lj18, #mylivejournal, brendan, los angeles, writing
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