That's right....the Festivus tradition of airing one's grievances...which consists of me lashing out at others and the world about how they have disappointed me in the past year. (or basically what I do on a daily basis during Cleveland Indians or Miami Dolphins games)
Let us begin....
-Bryce Harper, Kevin Love and Simon LeBon: you have disappointed me by not agreeing to go out on a date with me yet (yeah, I know the last one has been married to his model wife for like 30 years now....doesn't mean it's still not a disappointment year in, year out)
-All you breeders (you know, people with those germ carrying money sucking dream killers known as children): you have disappointed me by not hiring a fucking babysitter before you go to shop at Target....or the mall....or the grocery store....or the nail salon.
-Cleveland Indians: um....no social media seats this year? yeah that needs to change next season.
-Miami Dolphins: try the whole damn shitshow of a season. sorry, but i'm being honest. still love you though.
-Cleveland Cavaliers: i never get any (social media) love from you....besides Kevin, but I have my own grievance with him.
-Columbus Blue Jackets: i faithfully stand by while you not only abuse me with you abysmal record but also ignore my tweets as well.
-ESPN: sure you got a lot of new chicks on the air, but you're still missing me. Sarah Spain, Prim Siripipat & Kate Fagan rock!
-Tyra Banks: I'm still disappointed that you didn't go out with an all-ages cycle of America's Next Top Model. shame on you. Were you afraid I'd outfierce and outsmize your ass like Naomi Campbell still continues to do after all of these years & show you up on your own show? It's okay to be honest and say you're afraid that I'd be just too damn awesome.
-Starbucks: I should not be paying almost $3 for a drip coffee with caramel syrup.
-Trader Joes: i really need you to step up your social media game already. think of all the fun we could be having. I mean seriously....can someone get Joe a damn twitter account already?!!? it's almost 2016 for the love of Two Buck Chuck!
-Cosmopolitan magazine: Enough with the American Whore Story known as the Kartrashians. seriously...enough. no means no. Every other month one of these famous for nothing idiot hooker botox-faced placenta-eating heifers is on the cover of what used to be like the Holy Bible of magazines. Then they put the whole trashy lot of them on the cover one month and dub them "America's First Family" Maybe that's what inspired that lady who blinded herself with drain cleaner to do the deed. There weren't enough of those little perfume sample strips in that month's issue to make the stench of their trollopy vaginas go away from the cover.
-New England Patriots: I really really really really just hate you. end of story.
-Target: I'm disappointed you don't have a cage in the back of your store to lock up all the screaming kids.
-DunkinDonuts: I need a store closer to mid-city los angeles. don't be afraid of the "hood"
-McDonalds: your holiday drink game was weak aka nonexistent this year. Do better
-Victoria's Secret/PINK: you gave me crappy stuff for Indians in the MLB line & then no Dolphins stuff whatsoever this season for NFL line. You get coal for #festivus. Go lick a frozen Festivus pole!
-Donald Trump: You keep saying you're going to make America great again, yet you haven't left for Antarctica yet. Take that dead small furry woodland creature decaying on top of your head with you. That poor thing had a mother or was someone's mother. it deserves better.
-American Airlines: there are not enough characters allowed on twitter for me to even start so why bother?.....oh wait...i'm not on Twitter now....so let's cut through the bullshit. You are the shittiest airline ever. Your customer service director must be Atilla the Hun reincarnated because all of your representatives are heartless savage minions who are obviously following some cruel sadistic ringleader's orders to unleash the most unbearable hell and torture on travelers. I wouldn't even wish you on the Kartrashians.