Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,

It wasn't a karmic curse, it was a self-imposed hair shirt.

(NOTE for non-regular readers or readers outside of Livejournal: this week's topic for the writing contest I'm in is "hair shirt". A hair shirt is a shirt made of very rough cloth that some religious people wore in the past to punish themselves for things that they had done wrong.)

You would think I would know what a hair shirt was. After all, I have a European history degree. I had a religion minor at one point. I studied The Crusades. Women & the witch hunts (Salem & in Europe) were one of major papers (possibly my senior thesis). Surely, I should know....I didn't. I suspect it had something to do with the copius amounts of alcohol I imbibed while in college & the direct correlation to the number of classes I skipped.

Turns out, I was wearing one for about 10-15 years before I met my boyfriend, Brendan. Prior to meeting him, I was convinced I was cursed & unlucky in love. This was due to the fact that I cheated on a previous boyfriend, back in college, who I had thought was my soulmate. He even forgave me for my grievous mistake & I turned my back on him...opting for my freedom instead. I changed my mind, but he was then with a woman he would later marry. Our final exchange did not go over well. Thus began the karmic burden that I felt I was to bear.

I met another guy and it was great for a couple years. Then it wasn't, but by then I'd moved cross country to try to work things out with him. He ended up marrying the next girl he was with after me. There was also the whole awkward mutual friend's wedding where he showed up with his new gf & he's at the same table as me. My "date" was my best gal pal at the time, so I wouldn't be alone at this wedding. At least there was a great coffee bar at that wedding & I do love caffeine.

Duds, duds, duds and more duds followed (or I'd fall for gay guys who didn't know they were gay at the time. that's always fun). If I even got to the date part, that is. When i did...they were horrible (like the guy getting in a fight w/ another table at a restaurant on our date) I seriously went through a stretch of about 5 years of celibacy (I wasn't just having random hookups, that isn't my cup of tea) & then i figured something was better than nothing. Of course, that led to a few broken hearts because I always got emotionally attached (isn't that how it always happens?)

Then came a guy who we dubbed the Blondie Bear Douche Bag (hey Buffy/Angel fans...remember Harmony calling Spike "Blondie Bear"...yeah that's where it comes from because I was dumber than a damn box of rocks when it came to this winner). I thought I deserved the way he treated me....emotionally toying me along, never calling me his girlfriend, knowing he was hooking up with other girls. Between him and the previous hookups who just wanted to be friends, I was convinced that I was ok to have sex with but not good enough to be girlfriend material. I thought I deserved this though....I had love and I pissed it away. I had a guy who had my back 100% & I fucked him over. Karma says this is my payback & that's why I think I let this guy walk all over me. The final 2 straws were when he called me fat & finally, one of my good friends issued the ultimatum of "it's him or me" and made me ax this douche nozzle from my life. (btw, I last heard that this tool, who fat shamed me, my friends & anyone over a size 4, gained a bunch of weight....speaking of karma)

I'd finally had enough. It had been about 10 years of torment, constant loneliness and frequent rants in this blog how I was cursed. it was my lot in life to be alone & I needed to find a way to come to terms with that (feel free to go back to anything prior to Oct 2010 if you'd like to see for yourself)

Finally, I thought....maybe, just maybe....if I hunted down my ex, who I felt I wronged all those many years ago, and apologized for everything I'd thought I'd done wrong....maybe I would life would stop raining down so hard on me in the love department. I was terrified, but I found him on Facebook and I did it. (What if he goes off on me? What if he thinks I'm nuts for doing this? What if he just ignores me?). It was all paranoia in my head. Turns out....I was punishing and torturing myself for all those years for nothing. We both admitted to saying some really nasty things to each other. The ex & I are pals still to this day on Facebook.

A few months later, after removing the hair shirt I had worn for all those years, I met Brendan. It's not always been perfect & he did have to struggle for a while to convince me I was deserving of the awesome love he has to give, but he truly is my Prince Charming. I love him. I obviously did something to please the universe enough to bring this gem into my life.
Tags: dating, ljidol, writing
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