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You're expecting sport superstitions aren't you? I mean, come on...it's "step on a crack"...it's ripe for the picking. It's what I know, it's what i do (yes, those are Cleveland Indians panties) but that's the easy way out. Not going to do it. Sure, it might bite me in the ass, but I'm all up for something more challenging. I mean, after all, that was the whole purpose for me entering this contest in the first place.

When I first moved to LA to pursue modeling (and then acting) and even before I moved while prepping for the career leap, I lived by strict rules. Most of them were set for me by a couple photographers/agents who had been mentors or were helping to facilitate my bigger market move....taking me to NYC, Chicago, etc...obtaining meetings & shoots for me in bigger cities. I took it as gospel because if that's what it was going to take to get the hell out of Ohio and be successful as a model, then I sure as hell was going to do it, live it, eat it (or not eat it), drink it (or not drink it) and breathe it 24/7/365.

*at least 8 glasses of water a day (that's like for everyone)
*no soda, limited sugar
*strict diet (ok, i cheated a little on this one...after all, i work in restaurants for my thrival job), part of it involved nothing but fruit before noon and then, at one point, some weird diet where you don't mix carbs and proteins. I've also done no carbs, no dairy, no meat, no this, no that.
*no drinking the night before a job/shoot
*no salt the day before a job/shoot
*no eating the morning before a job/shoot (you'll look bloated if you do or have a "food baby bump")
*10pm-midnight curfew the night before a job/shoot (depending on what time I had to be at job/shoot the next day)
*gym 1-2 hrs 4-6 times a week.
*crazy bathroom routine....moisturizing, exfoliating, caring for the hair, caring for the skin, caring for the teeth....I'm not kidding when I say that sometimes it would take me 30-60 minutes to get ready for bed night after night after night after night.

Eventually something was going to CRACK and it cracked in the form of me finding a social life & also seeing how (in my mind), my "dedication" cost me a relationship that I held near and dear to my heart (it couldn't have possibly been that we just weren't meant to be together, duh). I stepped on the crack and broke my own back. Something had to give.....a drink here and there on a "school" night at a social event (after all, gotta network), staying out a little too late and being tired at a shoot (makeup and photoshop can cover that up). Blowing off the gym to go to the beach or just shop or have lunch (the gym is open 24 hrs, i'll go later). There's only so many hours in a day and well....what good is having success if you don't have anyone to share it with (i'm sick of sharing my victories with my cat). Of course, then it became a matter of also wanting someone, anyone....of the opposite to share that with. Straying from everything combined with loneliness led me down a Very wrong fork of the road that i already explored months ago ( you can read it if you choose, but it only goes into more complex detail of how bad I CRACKED)

It felt so liberating, but at the same time, I'm sure it hurt me as well. If you're not putting in the work, there are hundreds others who are....they're just as hungry (if not hungrier) than you and they will do whatever it takes to get the job. I've been thinking about this lately. What if I hadn't cracked. What if I were now to pursue things with the same passion, discipline and structure that I had when I first moved to Los Angeles. Only now I have the connections, somewhat of the financial means and the support system as well. Is it even possible at this point. Is it possible to have the same level of ambition that you had in your 20s when you're pushing 40? Hell, even the Queen of Blonde Ambition, Madonna, seemed to tail it off herself. Then again, she made it. she could rest on her laurels a bit. I'm still looking at some college loan debt. right there should be ambition enough. i'm so sick of those asshats.

Is it possible to find the balance between ambition, discipline and having a social life? Can you seal the crack, heal your back and know that others will have your back?

I don't know....but i'm trying to find it. Stick around for the journey. And for the record, I do sometimes offer up sacrifices to Jobu in order to help the Cleveland Indians. (if you have no idea what i'm talking about, I implore you to watch the movie Major League)

(and as always...all those who comment get votes from me as well)


( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
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Apr. 22nd, 2014 02:15 am (UTC)
I'm finding more and more that I really can't do everything. I have kids, work full time, and recently added in part-time school. Somehow I'm still managing to be somewhat social, though no where near as much as I was a year ago. There can only be so many obligations on a person's plate before you risk everything crumbling to pieces because nothing got the attention it deserved.
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:02 am (UTC)
I'm finally figuring out how to have balance with everything while being super focused on my career.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 04:46 am (UTC)
Following all those rules must have been tiresome after a while - but you're right, what good is success if you can't share it with others?
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:02 am (UTC)
it was lonely at times and it's how, for a while, i found myself with a guy that didn't deserve the time of day from me.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 01:44 pm (UTC)
Is it possible to find the balance between ambition, discipline and having a social life?

This is a very good question. I totally don't have a good answer, though. :/
Apr. 22nd, 2014 04:52 pm (UTC)
It's funny that you started your entry talking about sports superstitions - that was actually where my mind went first also! Mostly because of the hockey playoffs, LOL

With regards to your rituals, they make sense to me... I'm not a professional, but I do perform, and there are a lot of rituals I do to have the best show possible.

Thanks for sharing this.
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:03 am (UTC)
thank you for reading. a lot of people assume I will write about sports usually because that's my brand....sporty.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 06:37 pm (UTC)
It is astonishing how many people look at actors, or models, or musicians and think "I can do that, they're not really working". They have no idea of how much gets done every single day - job or not - to maintain the right look, the right voice, the right whatever. And it is a grind, figuring out how to still have a life is hugely difficult.

Best of luck to you in trying to find balance.

Apr. 24th, 2014 12:04 am (UTC)
after writing this, it made me realize that this is probably why a lot of Hollywood relationships crumble. i know it's been a struggle at times with me and my man as he's an actor as well.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 07:02 pm (UTC)
That kind of lifestyle would burn me out on modeling very quickly!
Apr. 22nd, 2014 07:21 pm (UTC)
Hearing about your crazy diet/routine was super interesting - as well as painful to hear. Not being able to eat before working, for example. What is that?

It seems to me that the crack you stepped on was probably for the best.
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:05 am (UTC)
smoothies and fruit juice were my friends on those days I didn't want to put solid food down and risk the bloated food baby.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 09:23 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm not sure it's ever possible to do anything with quite the passion you have in your twenties, though it would certainly be interesting to try.

(No vote, please, unless it's based on the entry -- I use my poll standings as a means of figuring out what works and doesn't work for a general audience. Thank you anyway, though.)
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:05 am (UTC)
we'll find out....i'm trying to get back there.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 09:26 pm (UTC)
I think we all crack at some point or another. Some cracks are just bigger and scarier than others.

I like how you used the prompt.

(My husband has been in search of a Jobu doll for years now. Not because he's an Indian fan, because he's weird and likes the Jobu doll. And rum. :))
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:06 am (UTC)
thank you. I don't know that there is an actual replica Jobu doll available, but there was just a story about what happened to the original from the movie. It was quite interesting....he even disappeared for a while.

Apr. 22nd, 2014 11:14 pm (UTC)
I can't imagine following all of those rules and even keeping them all straight!I'm doing good now just to count calories and get to the gym regularly.
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:07 am (UTC)
i even remembered there were a couple more after I wrote this...like all the supplements and vitamins I would take.
Apr. 23rd, 2014 01:07 am (UTC)
I have a degree in vocal performance. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I had continued down that path instead of pursuing a graduate degree in social work. I've done some performing since graduation, but nothing like i had once planned. It's odd, the places life takes us, the way we crack, and how those cracks affect us.

Good luck on your journey.
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:07 am (UTC)
thanks. my degrees are actually in broadcast journalism and history
Apr. 23rd, 2014 01:52 am (UTC)
Balance is a tough thing for all of us, I think. This is a glimpse into an interesting world. Thanks for sharing!
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:07 am (UTC)
you're welcom
Apr. 23rd, 2014 06:59 am (UTC)
It's so funny how so-called "glamor" jobs usually involve a ton of hard work behind the scenes. And you're right - it's hard to stick it, especially when we're young, unless we're very, very driven. I'm curious to see what you'll apply your ambitions to next!
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:08 am (UTC)
i'm still applying my ambition to acting & modeling. Just now with balance.
Apr. 23rd, 2014 08:45 am (UTC)
It's amazing what one has to do just to maintain a pace here in LA. I'm glad you're able to be liberated. Good luck on sealing your crack and healing your back.

Thanks for the movie rec. I'll be sure to check it out.
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:09 am (UTC)
yeah and if you want to go even crazier, there is a TON of research to do in order to know what agents and casting directors you should be targeting so as not to waste your time dealing with people/places that aren't right for your type/brand
Apr. 23rd, 2014 12:41 pm (UTC)
This is an interesting piece. I enjoyed reading learning about the modelling lifestyle.

It must have been hard keeping up with all the rituals.

*no eating the morning before a job/shoot (you'll look bloated if you do or have a "food baby bump")

I do actually find that statement quite shocking! I'm neither fat nor thin at the moment but I must have been about 9 years old the last time I was thin enough to be able to notice if I had eaten anything or not!
Apr. 23rd, 2014 06:25 pm (UTC)
Jamba Juice & other smoothies were/are my friend.
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