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Look hot, have fun, be awesome.

"Look hot, have fun, be awesome"

That's what Brendan and I wrote to each other on his closet mirrors with dry erase markers at his old place before we lived together. Yet, somehow when we moved in together, shit got so very real and serious with life (namely my dad going so downhill and passing away 3 months after we moved in together) that we both somehow strayed from that mantra.

Notice you haven't seen me modeling as much? Notice you haven't seen a lot of full body shots of me? If you do, I'm usually wearing black. That's because I gained weight when I was on the acid reducers, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs….about 20 lbs. I'm teetering on that 150lb threshold that I swore I would never cross. i'm like 25 lbs heavier than when I moved here. I started eating like crap and drinking soda again (sure it was diet, but that's still bad for you). It would be one thing if I gained the weight and managed to stay toned, but I didn't. I stopped working out as much so I looked awful in photos. I got booked to model for a photography workshop and all my photos were crap because I looked HUGE in the photos. I had a meeting with my former modeling booker who is now at another agency and well, let's just say it didn't go as well as I thought it would. For a while even, I pretty much lived in yoga pants and sports jerseys because none of my girly dresses fit or they're so tight, I can barely breathe in them.

I'm back on the motivated wagon though. It hurts like hell, but I'm getting there. Every workout leaves me in bodily pain for days. I have no upper body strength whatsoever (I'm serious, I can't even do a pushup and can barely do planks in yoga). I still can't believe that I went from the girl who got told to by her modeling agent "lay off the arm weights" to this. I've been pushing through something being messed up in my knee (it catches sometimes when I walk & my knee gives out, possibly a meniscus problem or busted cartilage according to the chiropractor)

We'll get back there….and just to help us along. I wrote "look hot, have fun, be awesome" on on the top of our bathroom mirrors.