Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,
Aimercat
aimercat

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Not-so-happily ever after….for now

For the most part, Brendan and I are technically on a little break….we still live together & we sometimes sleep in the same room, but we wouldn't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not happy about this by any means, but, then again, I have no one to blame, but my own damn self. I know what I do, yet I can't seem to stop the path of destruction that I leave relationship after relationship after relationship. I got hurt by my first serious love (again consequences of my own damn foolish actions) and I just push people away instead of drawing them closer during times of need because I'm solo afraid of getting hurt. Damn those pesky trust & abandonment issues I swear time after time are gone. No, I'm not going to therapy for them. I tried that and therapy was BS….no offense, but parents aren't always the root of someone's problems, no…they didn't abuse me and yes, they gave me more than enough attention…probably too much.

I'm absolutely crushed & devastated because I felt (and still feel) in my heart that Brendan is the absolute love of my life. It hurts too much at times being around him so I'll just leave the house. sometimes, I just park on a random shady street and read magazines or play on my phone answering emails or twittering because I really have nowhere else to go. Remembering how he used to tell me I was beautiful, smart, witty and now….almost nothing. Nothing but anger, sadness and a lot of crying from me. I'm mostly mad at myself. I wish I could take back the last year of dumping everything on him and letting him sacrifice so much to take care of me emotionally and physically through everything. Time sometimes isn't kind to actors in Hollywood and I robbed him of a perfectly good year in some of his prime age range.

I don't mean to be inconsiderate or selfish in my actions. I'm just programmed from 10+ years of being practically alone day in and day out, looking out for myself & my own interests.

I know I shouldn't put negative energy out into the universe, but I'm sad & I don't know what to do about it. I'm not going to lie and pretend everything is sunshine, butterflies and rainbows hoping to bring that into my life. I am still hopeful that we can repair things…I can't erase the past year, but I can change how I've been the past year: needy, whiny, angry, bitter, cynical, etc. & start to be a better person who invests more into friendships and my relationship. So I guess just pray that he can see the change in me. I still believe in the magic i felt the night we met.

(note to my stalker: I'm sure you're having a field day with this. I guess you got your wish for him to leave me. I hope you are happy & proud of yourself. It's disgusting that you find pleasure in the misery of others. Don't bother sending me one of your classic "no return address" letters. I throw them in the recycle bin unopened, but the planet would probably prefer you stop wasting paper, ink & electricity in the first place.)
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