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Not-so-happily ever after….for now

For the most part, Brendan and I are technically on a little break….we still live together & we sometimes sleep in the same room, but we wouldn't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not happy about this by any means, but, then again, I have no one to blame, but my own damn self. I know what I do, yet I can't seem to stop the path of destruction that I leave relationship after relationship after relationship. I got hurt by my first serious love (again consequences of my own damn foolish actions) and I just push people away instead of drawing them closer during times of need because I'm solo afraid of getting hurt. Damn those pesky trust & abandonment issues I swear time after time are gone. No, I'm not going to therapy for them. I tried that and therapy was BS….no offense, but parents aren't always the root of someone's problems, no…they didn't abuse me and yes, they gave me more than enough attention…probably too much.

I'm absolutely crushed & devastated because I felt (and still feel) in my heart that Brendan is the absolute love of my life. It hurts too much at times being around him so I'll just leave the house. sometimes, I just park on a random shady street and read magazines or play on my phone answering emails or twittering because I really have nowhere else to go. Remembering how he used to tell me I was beautiful, smart, witty and now….almost nothing. Nothing but anger, sadness and a lot of crying from me. I'm mostly mad at myself. I wish I could take back the last year of dumping everything on him and letting him sacrifice so much to take care of me emotionally and physically through everything. Time sometimes isn't kind to actors in Hollywood and I robbed him of a perfectly good year in some of his prime age range.

I don't mean to be inconsiderate or selfish in my actions. I'm just programmed from 10+ years of being practically alone day in and day out, looking out for myself & my own interests.

I know I shouldn't put negative energy out into the universe, but I'm sad & I don't know what to do about it. I'm not going to lie and pretend everything is sunshine, butterflies and rainbows hoping to bring that into my life. I am still hopeful that we can repair things…I can't erase the past year, but I can change how I've been the past year: needy, whiny, angry, bitter, cynical, etc. & start to be a better person who invests more into friendships and my relationship. So I guess just pray that he can see the change in me. I still believe in the magic i felt the night we met.

(note to my stalker: I'm sure you're having a field day with this. I guess you got your wish for him to leave me. I hope you are happy & proud of yourself. It's disgusting that you find pleasure in the misery of others. Don't bother sending me one of your classic "no return address" letters. I throw them in the recycle bin unopened, but the planet would probably prefer you stop wasting paper, ink & electricity in the first place.)


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 31st, 2012 04:34 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry Amy. I hope you can work it out. You've dealt with so much already. :(
Jul. 31st, 2012 04:39 am (UTC)
if this doesn't work out, i'm seriously thinking about just throwing in the towel and moving back to Ohio. The only 2 reasons I stayed in 2010 was because my dad told me I couldn't come home and then I met Brendan 2 weeks later. Well, dad really can't "cut me off" now and Brendan will be gone. I will have nothing to stay here for.
Aug. 1st, 2012 04:15 am (UTC)
:( I hope it doesn't come to that, but I understand the impulse.
Jul. 31st, 2012 09:23 am (UTC)
Would he be up for couples counseling? Even if it ends up not working out, it might help with being fiends/living with him
Jul. 31st, 2012 01:46 pm (UTC)
Aww, I'm so sorry Amy. I hope things get better for you soon.
Jul. 31st, 2012 04:33 pm (UTC)
very sad, esp when you know you caused it.
Life is so short..you need to forget the past and the crap that happened and live today like it's a new beginning .... we all have crap in our pasts but you can't let it define who you are.
Knowing you so long now I can honestly say that acting has been a blessing and a curse for you, I'm not sure it's made you all that happy in the long run, sometimes things you want to do can disrupt or destroy your future happiness and it's just not worth it...I hope Brendan can forgive and forget
Aug. 2nd, 2012 04:31 am (UTC)
I think it's good to be positive as often as possible, but I also think it's important to sometimes put that negative energy out into the universe rather than letting it roll around inside of you. In my case, the putting things to words helps me transform the negativity into something useful--a sense of direction or clarity that was missing.

I'm sorry you're suffering right now. I'm rooting for you from here. ♥
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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