Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,

How I screwed up the best thing to ever happen in my life

Yeah, I know, a lot of questions about that "it's complicated" relationship status of mine on Facebook. I wish i could say otherwise, but Brendan and I have been having a lot of problems pretty much since we moved in together a little over a year ago. it's just been getting worse and worse….mostly my doing though.

I allowed myself to get complacent, took things for granted, was lazy and even took things for granted. Now I find myself on like quadruple not-so-secret probation to the point that he even removed me as his girlfriend on Facebook & pretty much tells people that we are no longer together. Nevermind the fact that we still live together (we signed another lease in June, so kind of stuck together) and still sleep in the same bed (which sometimes leaves me crying myself to sleep right next to him)

It's no secret that the past year has been pretty rough for me. The one time in the ER, the doctor said I did 4 of the 5 most stressful things a person can do in life in a matter of 6 months: move, change jobs, lose a pet/child, lose a parent. Still, it's not an excuse after 6 months and I think this was the wakeup call I needed to pull my head out of my ass before we completely hated each other.

Yes I was depressed, yes I was lazy and did nothing around the apartment, let Brendan do it all and barely if ever said "thank you". He basically put his life on hold for a year to take care of me following Nieder's death, my dad's death and then all the health problems with anxiety and depression that I had afterwards. Some days, I would be so bad that he would basically have to tell me what to eat & make sure I took all my medicines like a little child, which completely destroyed any intimacy whatsoever in our relationship. I now completely understand why he is pissed. You'd be pissed to if you worked insane hours while your gf had 3 days/nights off a week & did nothing around the house except tool around on Facebook & Twitter. He wanted to leave in May and I begged him to re-up the lease for another 6 months, he relented and i was still being a negative, bitter, mean bitch. Yes, I was in a selfish little bubble and thinking only of myself. So, my own damn fault.

I'm trying my damnedest, though, to fix things. the first step was getting off the Zoloft (against doctor's desires) which turns out was not only making me fat (which made me even more depressed) but also made me extremely angry, irritable, short-tempered and generally nasty to be around. (side note: I mean, what's the point of anti-depressants if the weight gain is just going to make you more depressed? I'd rather be skinny and depressed than fat and depressed any day). I've reacquainted myself with "The Secret" and I'm trying to be more positive about things, trying not to be so angry. I'm working on time management and not procrastinating as much anymore. I know you all think he's the best thing that has ever happened for me, so I'm going to make this work. I need to remember how much of an awesome girlfriend I said I would be if I ever got an awesome boyfriend. Somehow, I strayed from that philosophy. The worst part is that I'm so damn impatient that I just want things to be the way they were overnight. I'm hopeful we can fix this though.
Tags: brendan
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