Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,

Why I've been asking for prayers to make me whole again.

I've been sick sick sick ever since I came back from Ohio and my father's funeral. Sick to the point that i wound up in urgent care twice and the ER once in a 1 week span. My boyfriend is ready to leave me because I'm possibly crazy (no joke, we've had so many fights over this). I'm convinced that something is deathly wrong with me. it's started with this undiagnosed pain in my hip/groin area that I've been dealing with for months. The gyno said 2 months ago during my annual exam that everything looked and felt fine "down under" and that she thought it was muscular. She sent me to physical therapy (which I can't go to because I don't have insurance and can't afford it). it's not going away but i just feel like SOMETHING more is going on, I just don't feel a gut/intuition feeling. So she sent me to get an ultrasound.

Now I'm TERRIFIED of girly-type cancers because my grandmother had uterine cancer and there's a history of ovarian cysts, fibroids, other stuff. All my stomach problems are symptoms of what I just listed (according to the little pamphlet the gyno gave me at my exam...way to induce my fears more) Add in the fact that they often call these things "silent killers'. My mind is terrified. Now I have another appointment on Dec 1, but the receptionist said they would call earlier if anything showed up. It's been a over a week now since the ultrasound and nothing...I don't know whether to let my guard down or just still be flipping out. Actually i'm terrified of any cancer now that I've seen what my father has gone though...along with the fact that I don't have insurance. you'd think that if everything was fine 2 months ago that nothing could evolve THAT fast (and even the urgent care, ER doc and ultrasound tech told me it would be rare)

on an earlier trip to Ohio about a month before my dad passed, he had a bad spell and that resulted in me having a huge anxiety attack on the bathroom floor of my parents house: unable to breathe, throwing up, stomach pain. I was fine after that though.

My flight back from ohio, following his funeral (a month later) was 3 hrs of straight turbulance. I don't fly well and I was flying without anti-anxiety drugs (like i've done in the past). i was literally in tears on the plane and thinking I was going to die. Like I thought I was honest to god going to die on the plane. i've felt like crap ever since. i haven't been able to eat (no appetite), I've had bad constipation, body shakes, chills, heart racing, pain in my stomach and chest, hurts to take a deep breath, occasional lightheadedness...oh and i've lost like 10 lbs (which is the really scary part). I'm PARANOID that something is seriously wrong with me though and my future seems hopeless. Like I can't picture myself being healthy again. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's scaring the crap out of me because it's killing my relationship because it's stressing me, it's stressing brendan (and he can't have a lot of stress in his life)

The ER doctor said it's IBS, Acid-reflux (GERD), possible beginning ulcer, sleep deprivation and anxiety, but now I'm freaking out because it's been a week and I still really don't have my appetite back & I'm still losing weight. I'm on anti-anxiety (and I do better when I'm taking them), sleep aids, acid-reducers and stuff to make me go to the bathroom more often. Also, I pretty much can't eat or drink anything (no caffeine, no spicy, no acidic, nothing greasy/fried, limited dairy)And I start psychotherapy after thanksgiving. I'm wondering if I should be concerned, the ER doctor said it was going to take work to get back to normal, but didn't give me a timetable, so of course now I'm worrying again (which i'm not supposed to do). Like I don't see a future where I'm normal I can't even picture the near future...I'm terrified whatever this is will kill me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy.

Just keep praying for me.
Tags: hollywood
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