Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,

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Dear universe...send me a sign, help me decide

Universe, I'm putting it out there for you. Send me some type of sign of what to do with this decision I'm grappling with. Like, if I'm meant to stay in L.A., show me a reason in the form of a nice modeling gig or acting audition because I'm super confused right now. I'm afraid i'm going to make a stupid decision and mess my life all up.

I’m being faced with the difficult decision of considering moving back to Ohio due to the fact that my 82-yr-old father is sick with cancer (it has spread to his lungs…still treatable, but we’re not looking at good odds considering his age and other health problems he has: copd, congestive heart failure, borderline diabetes). I’m such an emotional roller coaster lately that I’m afraid I’m going to make another irrational decision that could cost me dearly (like earlier in the year when my dad was first diagnosed & I dyed my hair back to blonde from red before having enough money for new headshots....not really a great thing to show up for auditions not looking like your headshot because your hair is a different color. there's only so long you can get away with the "dyed it for another role" lie). I’m debating whether it would be best to rent my room out in my apartment on a temporary basis (landlord already approved it) or just tell my roomie (who I’m close friends with) that I’m moving out for good (and getting a new place when I come back….I have a great rent-controlled apt in an excellent neighborhood so I’d hate to lose it). I’m also afraid that if I go back to Ohio that I will get sucked into the black hole that is where I’m from and never leave again simply because a lot of what I love is in Ohio (Buckeyes football, Indians baseball, college friends...shockingly high school friends).

If I go temporarily, then the question becomes store my stuff in L.A. or take it with me. Storing it would be like $50-70 a month and moving it would be like $1400 (one of those pod-type companies). I still have my nice television (23” flat screen) & bedroom furniture to move (only taking bedframe, ditching mattresses). I have to drive my car myself because I have to take my cat with me in it. The majority of my stuff would be clothes, books & cd/dvd/tapes. The downside is that if I decide I don't want to come back, then i don't know how I'm going to get my stuff out of storage here in L.A. (remember, I really DON'T like flying...especially after having another turbulence issue on this most recent flight)

I really hate that I’m having to consider this, but on the plus side, I have an AMAZING agent that reps me in Ohio. Heyman Talent, who is literally the largest Midwest talent agent outside of Chicago. They constantly bring in the casting director from Army Wives (who I've already read for while I was home last summer) & episodic tv shows that film in Carolinas, many national/regional commercials (skyline, nationwide, safe auto, speedway, etc), etc. so I could definitely still pursue things which actually might make things EASIER for me upon returning as I’ll be able to build things like a SAG (union) card, stronger modeling portfolio, reel, etc. (i would be a big fish, little pond). They’ve told me that I will get called in/direct book simply for having Los Angeles stuff on my resume. All I would need to do is clear about $500-600 a month to pay credit card bills, help my parents with groceries, gas for car, etc as I’d be living at home rent-free in order to help my mother with the care of my dad. (I personally would also have issues dropping my pride regarding the stigma of living at home with my parents at my age & let's not forget that my survival job would probably be server/bartender. That is ok and not looked down upon if you're older and doing that in Los Angeles, but doing it in freaking Ohio is another stigma where you're labeled some type of "epic fail at life") I know I shouldn't be too concerned about that but I am. I don't want to be talked about as "oh that's the girl who went to Hollywood to be a supermodel/fancy actress and well, look, she's back slumming in New Carlisle, OH"

Any input would be gladly appreciated. I’m struggling with this decision so bad. All this stress is making my face breakout with zits and has seen the return of the stress-induced hives that initially appeared on my body when my nephew was killed in late 1995.
Tags: family, los angeles, ohio
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