RuPaul says it every week during her show: "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?". Well, the same thing can be said about commitment. If you can't commit to yourself, how in the hell do you expect someone to commit to you? Looking back on my relationships, I did give a lot of myself up & it feels like they would fall apart when i started to rebel to be my own person outside of couple (yes, I was that girl who shut everyone out and it was "we, we, we" when the guy was around) The only relationship I really have right now is with my career and well, I'd really like that to not blow up in my face like the freakin atom bombs that my 3 "meaningful" relationships I've had did. ("meaningful" = a year or longer....which means I've only had 3 in life & 2 of them were pretty-much long-distance for the most part. Also, considering 1 was in h.s. and the other 2 were in college, it's suffice to say that I probably don't even know what a REAL adult relationship is supposed to be like. Feel free to pass along numbers for additional therapy...like I haven't had enough). You know you're effed when you call your "career" your "relationship", but hey...I'm pretty sure Madonna's done that at one point or another, so fuck it!
The first step in renewing my commitment to myself happens tomorrow when I go back to my natural blonde hair color. I partially went red to try to impress a guy since he had a celeb crush on a redheaded singer (that one shouldn't be too hard to figure out) & also because I got some really dumb advice when i first moved out here. I have my other reasons also for going back to blonde (like my dad freaking hates the red), but this is about being true to myself.
Other things I'm re-committing myself to:
-wearing cute underwear. I'm talking frilly girly stuff. I pretty much just gave up and just figured "no one is going to see them, except me", so I can get away with the $5 for $15 cotton Target boyshorts. They're comfy, but after a while, you just don't feel sexy anymore (though I still feel like a little girl playing dress up when i try to be all sexy. haha, i'm a dork!). I'm not giving up my sports jerseys though....you done lost your damn fool mind if you think i'm doing that. That's one part of me that I've NEVER lost. Besides...baseball season has begun. I have an obligation to Grady's Ladies.
-going to all the places I've wanted to go, but I'm waiting for a boyfriend. Chinese food in Chinatown was on this list and granted I did that with 99-cent store Spencer Pratt, but he was a total asshole about it, rushed me, ordered the same old crap he would've ordered at any other Chinese restaurant and pretty much ruined the adventure part of it for me. Hell, we could've just done that in the valley and saved time, gas & parking money!
-making my house a home: I'm FINALLY going to paint my bedroom (i've only had the paint for like 2 years, hope it's still good). Again, waiting for a guy to help me (aka do it for me while I pretend to help but really watch). "Spencer" kept bailing on me after he told me if I bought the paint, he'd help me. (someone please cue "I hate myself for loving you" before i puke). I should probably also do something about the semi-bare walls in my apartment as well.
-Basically, stop being such a pussy emo whiner (I don't even live near Silver Lake. How did this hipster shit rub off on me?!) & going back to being the fierce ass bitch who moved here in the first place. If I'm going to be stuck here for god knows how long, I might as well raise some hell on heels. I went from the girl who had no qualms calling a guy an asshole as a pick-up line to being the shyest girl at the sports bar (yeah, I know, me...shy! Some of you who have known me for like ever are laughing, but the reality is sad, but true). That was mostly because I've always been the "chaser" in my relationship and never the "chased". i'm thinking now, though, that it might be like acting with the fact that the more you fight your type, the more rejected you will get. hmmmm, maybe I'll start a "fight" with a White Sox fan on opening day.
-Looking into getting a damn sports job other than just working at a restaurant that shows sports. I have a damn freaking broadcasting degree & my brain is a damn plethora of everything sports (did you know I can pretty much name just about every Olympic city winter and summer back to when I was born and quite a few before? Example: when I was out Saturday night, the question about when Bonnie Blair won her medals came into discussion and i had the answer in like 5 seconds. Checked Wikipedia and I was dead on the money.) so why the hell can't I mix that with my acting/modeling experience and social networking savvy to get a really kickass gig. I will find a way even if I have to make a way. I used to laugh at rules & it's damn well time to get back to that (within reason...I'll still follow some)
Time for a Madonna/Linda Evangelista chameleon-type re-invention.