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I've been cleaning up my blog of almost 10 years. editing broken links and such, so that i can make my blog into a book. I'm only done with the first year of entries and I realize even more how f'd up my life has become. When I was 16, I planned a freaking wedding (ok, granted it was a class assignment that went along with that whole 'egg as your kid' thing, but it got the wheels turning). When I was 22, I had it all planned: graduate college, get engaged, get a job, marry boyfriend, have the kids, dog (well cat too) and white picket fence. Then I hit a small snag. Then I thought I had it all planned out again and scarily almost in the same order again too, but with a different guy & with "move to California" mixed in there. Once again, blew up in my face. Now? Some mornings it takes me a half hour just to decide what shoes to wear to the gym (if I manage to get out of bed while it's still technically morning, that is).

Looking back, I now know for sure that I moved to L.A. for the wrong reasons & dyed my hair red for the wrong reasons (easily influenced). I probably should've just said "peace out girl scout" after about the first year here, but I was so damn afraid that people would call me a failure again (like they did when I came home from North Carolina after 9 months. Wonder if they would've said that had they known I came home because I was suicidal & almost threw myself off a bridge one night after downing a bottle of vodka). So, i stuck it out......and I do mean stuck. I'm sure I wouldn't hate it as much here if I was actually doing something, but right now I feel like I'm in such a rut or a holding pattern that I'm once again downright miserable here outside of killing myself working out.

All I can wonder is how my life skewed so far away from "the plan". I mean...shouldn't it be the other way around? Not knowing what the hell you're doing in life at 22 and then have it figured out in your 30s? I feel like I'm regressing in life. Dear Nick Lachey...feel free to walk in with one your "Five-Year Plans" (even though that concept is actually stolen from Russian history)


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Feb. 21st, 2010 12:19 pm (UTC)
Something that I hope will provoke a wan smile:

Tonight I went to the midnight show of RAZORBACK at the New Beverly, with director Russell Mulcahy in person. He talked about directing the Duran Duran videos and HIGHLANDER, he had an especially funny story involving making Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." I wanted to raise my hand and ask him which Duranie was his favorite, but they wrapped quickly to start the movie.

RAZORBACK is a darned fun little JAWS ripoff, albeit with a giant killer boar in the Outback. There's a huge amount of smoke through the movie - very '80's - and at one point a car radio is playing "New Moon on Monday." The climax takes place in a slaughterhouse, but it may as well be that mythical factory in every music video that seems to manufacture nothing but sparks and chains.
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