Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,
Aimercat
aimercat

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry

I've been cleaning up my blog of almost 10 years. editing broken links and such, so that i can make my blog into a book. I'm only done with the first year of entries and I realize even more how f'd up my life has become. When I was 16, I planned a freaking wedding (ok, granted it was a class assignment that went along with that whole 'egg as your kid' thing, but it got the wheels turning). When I was 22, I had it all planned: graduate college, get engaged, get a job, marry boyfriend, have the kids, dog (well cat too) and white picket fence. Then I hit a small snag. Then I thought I had it all planned out again and scarily almost in the same order again too, but with a different guy & with "move to California" mixed in there. Once again, blew up in my face. Now? Some mornings it takes me a half hour just to decide what shoes to wear to the gym (if I manage to get out of bed while it's still technically morning, that is).

Looking back, I now know for sure that I moved to L.A. for the wrong reasons & dyed my hair red for the wrong reasons (easily influenced). I probably should've just said "peace out girl scout" after about the first year here, but I was so damn afraid that people would call me a failure again (like they did when I came home from North Carolina after 9 months. Wonder if they would've said that had they known I came home because I was suicidal & almost threw myself off a bridge one night after downing a bottle of vodka). So, i stuck it out......and I do mean stuck. I'm sure I wouldn't hate it as much here if I was actually doing something, but right now I feel like I'm in such a rut or a holding pattern that I'm once again downright miserable here outside of killing myself working out.

All I can wonder is how my life skewed so far away from "the plan". I mean...shouldn't it be the other way around? Not knowing what the hell you're doing in life at 22 and then have it figured out in your 30s? I feel like I'm regressing in life. Dear Nick Lachey...feel free to walk in with one your "Five-Year Plans" (even though that concept is actually stolen from Russian history)
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