Aimercat (aimercat) wrote,

Fear & Indecisiveness in Hollywood

It's not fear of failure or fear of success that holds me back, it's fear of making the wrong decision. Indecisivness to the extreme. Making a couple gargantuan screw ups in my life where I thought the grass was greener, but it was actually brown has really screwed with my head. When I moved out here, I couldn't even make that decision on my own. I went to freaking psychic for insight when I couldn't decide whether to move to NYC or L.A.. Of course, now that I feel like moving to L.A. was a huge mistake, it only makes matters worse. I'm not kidding when I say it consumes me sometimes. Scared of finding a new job for fear I will screw myself up financially, scared of moving into a different place (heck, it took me 2 years between WANTING to get a different apartment in L.A. to actually DOING it). Fear that I had something so perfect, ruined it and can't get it back. Basically fear of making the WRONG decision and sometimes it even carries over into simple decisions in life as well (and my apologies to anyone who has been out to eat with me when that has happened). I'm sure that same fear is also the reason that I often don't commit to plans until the last minute as well.

Sure I'm all gung ho at first, but then when it comes time to actually doing it and making it happen, I bail, lose sleep, have my anxiety go through the roof until I have a panic attack sitting in my shower crying. I flip out & I'm sure I bug the shit out of all my friends with the "well what would you do?" "which do you like better" sort of questions.

Now I'm at a crossroads....I've been saying "back to blonde, back to blonde, back to blonde" with my hair and now that I might have the means and resources to do it, I'm thinking of chickening out, scared that I'm going to ruin everything, scared that my pictures won't be as good, scared it won't look right, scared that I didn't just trust what I had & made it work, scared I won't like it and I'll be disappointed, scared that it will make me even LESS desirable to the type of guys I would like to date.

You may now begin to question my sanity.
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