?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

One day you'll just wake up and the pain will be gone. That's not to say you might not have some scars, but it won't hurt as much & you can live again.

It was true when my nephew died in the 90s and i went on like a 6-month self-destructive path of partying, careless behavior, poor life choices & general stupidity. I seriously just woke up one day in my childhood bedroom with yet another hangover to hide from my parents (though I'm sure they knew what was going on....their college graduate daughter was coming home frequently after the sun came up & then woke up in the mid-afternoon with no desire to get a "real" job). I just woke up and said "do you really think your nephew would be proud of this shit you're pulling?" and just like that, it stopped.

True again, after my grandmother died in 2001 after being basically comatose for 9 months. Only that was more of a "you can go now" moment. While she was sick, i turned down chances to model in Germany and South Africa because of fear something would happen to her while i was gone. I just woke up one day after her passing and said "nyc, chicago or la....I'm getting the hell out of ohio now"

I tried again after my dad died in 2011. I had to put acting and modeling on hold for a bit to deal with anxiety & depression. Only this time, there was a giant albatross around my neck making me doubt every decision I made, making me feel guilty for promoting my career goals, getting in my head and preying on every trust issue & insecurity that I'd fought so hard to beat down for most of my life. You can't fly when someone puts weights on your wings & then tethers you to the ground as well. I would love to air my dirty laundry & tell you what a controlling monster he was, but really what's the point? Frankly, I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I ever allowed myself to fall into the situation in the first place. Maybe another time and place. Also, I'd rather just focus on the future and soar.

The lightbulb went off, the chains have been cut, i woke up and said "I'm done"....Your favorite girl is back....time to soar like a butterfly, sting your ass like a bee & puke magical rainbows like the glorious unicorn that i am. Some of it is terrifying & scary because it's soooooo out of my comfort zone, but I need it. it's time. The phoenix has risen.....once again.