I'm absolutely crushed & devastated because I felt (and still feel) in my heart that Brendan is the absolute love of my life. It hurts too much at times being around him so I'll just leave the house. sometimes, I just park on a random shady street and read magazines or play on my phone answering emails or twittering because I really have nowhere else to go. Remembering how he used to tell me I was beautiful, smart, witty and now….almost nothing. Nothing but anger, sadness and a lot of crying from me. I'm mostly mad at myself. I wish I could take back the last year of dumping everything on him and letting him sacrifice so much to take care of me emotionally and physically through everything. Time sometimes isn't kind to actors in Hollywood and I robbed him of a perfectly good year in some of his prime age range.
I don't mean to be inconsiderate or selfish in my actions. I'm just programmed from 10+ years of being practically alone day in and day out, looking out for myself & my own interests.
I know I shouldn't put negative energy out into the universe, but I'm sad & I don't know what to do about it. I'm not going to lie and pretend everything is sunshine, butterflies and rainbows hoping to bring that into my life. I am still hopeful that we can repair things…I can't erase the past year, but I can change how I've been the past year: needy, whiny, angry, bitter, cynical, etc. & start to be a better person who invests more into friendships and my relationship. So I guess just pray that he can see the change in me. I still believe in the magic i felt the night we met.
(note to my stalker: I'm sure you're having a field day with this. I guess you got your wish for him to leave me. I hope you are happy & proud of yourself. It's disgusting that you find pleasure in the misery of others. Don't bother sending me one of your classic "no return address" letters. I throw them in the recycle bin unopened, but the planet would probably prefer you stop wasting paper, ink & electricity in the first place.)