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the mother of all anxiety attacks

NOTE: found this on my phone in my notes. it's pretty much a play-by-play of my flight from hell from Chicago to Los Angeles at the beginning of November that was the "beginning" of all my health issues following my father's passing. In hindsight (now that i know what was wrong with me), this is what a 3-4 hour anxiety attack looks like while it is happening. sure I joke about it in the post but had I known, I probably wouldn't have been joking.

-stop stop stop with the turbulence. god breathe Amy breathe. crap it's going to be bad when the captain tells the flight attendants to take a seat. "Vaughn call the stewardess!"
-my drink can't come fast enough and it got derailed once by turbulence
-I can't spell turbulence right. all hail autocorrect (for once)
-I need to be rich for the simple fact that I would prefer to travel like that Madden dude....on the ground (though I think I'd prefer train, how euro of me & I've never even been there. probably because it would involve a multi-hour flight. maybe it's NYC of me. I do enjoy the subway)
-I knew I shouldn't have been all brave and saying "oh I'll travel like an adult and do it without anti-anxiety drugs" adults have fears too.
-I'm so nauseous.
-idiot! don't look out the window. that's just going to make you more sick. the window is for pulling the shade down, resting your head against it and passing out after a couple drinks
-eff me with this bumpy ride. my drink is almost in grasping reach. don't you get bumpy again. I don't know if my shakes are alcohol withdrawal or anxiety at this point. I'm kidding obvi! it's totally jump out of my skin anxiety.
-I have 3 more hours of this. longest 3 hrs of my life.
-at least this airline keeps the screaming kids to a minimum. I'll give them that.
-great. I'm out of magazines and I still don't have my bottle
-I think my problems with flying started somewhere in the mid-90s.
-ugh with the bumps
-finally liquid Valium and only $4 a pop! how is it that you can get a strong ass drink in the sky for $4 but on land a shot like that would cost you at least double that? especially considering airlines like to nickel and dime these days...at least southwest will still give you peanuts. peanuts and cheap drinks...how to calm me down. I'm such a simple creature.
-I know you're supposed to stay hydrated on the plane. if I water down the juice in my cocktail, does that count? I mean, it is water!
-just heard about 2 hrs 20 min more. I should watch a movie on my computer
-alcohol-induced photo shoot time. the people sitting next to me probably think I'm a bipolar mental case. one minute I'm clinging to the armrest for dear life, the next I'm whipping out my camera and losing for pix. it's not mental illness, it's liquid courage.
-ugh. more turbulence! come on! I'm a good person! I pay my taxes! I believe in a higher power...albeit not a misogynistic homophobic hypocritical belief system but I believe in something. I have a pound puppy and had a shelter cat. cut me some slack, universe! I do good things
-uh oh they dimmed the lights. people be getting freaky now.
-ahhhhhh the damn turbulence. enough! I think this whole liquids rule it to keep people like me from bringing their own personal stash on board because trust me, I would!
-seriously I don't get how people can have sex on planes.
-I've got 30 more minutes of these bumps?!?!?! what the fuck?!? yes I'm on the verge of a panic attack. this is what it looks like. my whole body has an inner heat brewing. my knees are shaking. my heart is racing. I go from wanting my boyfriend to my mom and back and neither one of them are here to make it better. the people next to me for sure think I'm nuts cuz I just "oh my god"'d aloud.
-let's try this sleep thing again. nope more bumps. I don't know what's worse turbulence or screaming kids (thankfully none on this flight or I would've totally lost it by now)
-sleep time...again
-nope. how about solitaire on the phone since we're hitting bumps YET AGAIN! arrrrrrgh! and my hip is killing me. pretty sure it's royally messed.
-something is wrong about"pass the duthchie" with regards to the song is sung by kids and people turned it into a song about passing joints....or at least they did when I was in college

I think the battery started dying on my phone at this point & I had to conserve it. either that or I just started clinging to my travel pillow and the wall of the plane (hail the window seat) praying for the flight to be over)

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