I swear I'm not trying to be the incredible shrinking woman
pretty sure that I'm under 130 lbs now....again, NOT by choice. Most days I have no appetite whatsoever and I'm forcing myself to eat what does go into my stomach. Then again, I'm pretty much limited to birds, fish, eggs, soup, veggies, rice, pasta, oatmeal, limited dairy, some fruit. So even if I could eat, i'd probably still lose weight because of the nature of what I can/can't eat. some days I live on protein bars just to make sure I get enough nutrients. Today seemed like the first day that I was actually able to eat anything significant and not feel like total crap afterwards. Other days, I can get 8 hrs sleep, run a couple of errands and then be completely exhausted 2 hours later. Other days I feel like I could go run a marathon with not a drop of training (ah, but I can't run because running is bad for my muscle problem and also if I did cardio, I'd drop even MORE weight). The next day, it's headache time. My mental therapist is convinced that all these physical ailments are just manifestations of grief and depression since all my medical tests came back clean. She referred me to a psychiatrist in order to get on anti-depressants. My physical therapist thinks that it's just my tight, twisted knotted muscles squeezing my stomach along with stress and anxiety. I just want to know when i should go back to the doctor and say "hey....still not better. maybe we should check this out because I don't think something is right." i mean, come on, it's been almost 2 months since my father's passing...I can't possibly be sick for that long, can I? I don't think it's normal for a person to not be able to eat for that long without something being wrong with them.
Remember when I was like 140ish and I bitched that I was fat? yeah, well let me just regain even 5 lbs so I don't look anorexic now and I'll never bitch about being fat ever again. Like none of my pants fit me, so I live in yoga pants now (I'm sure my boyfriend finds that WAY sexy...not. nothing like a girl who lives in sweatpants because that's all that fits anymore). My favorite pair of jeans? I can pull them off and on while completely buttoned and zipped. it's disgusting. Of course I live in a sick sick city where I could still drop another 10 lbs and people would stupidly tell me how GREAT I look because the camera adds 10 lbs. No, I don't look great. I look like I need to eat a damn cheeseburger.
And I miss coffee....I usually love this time of year because of all of the holiday drinks at Starbucks, Coffee Bean, even McDonalds this year with the peppermint mocha...and this year, i get NONE of it. 1. because I can't have coffee, 2. because i can't have the dairy.
It's so damn frustrating. I'm trying hard to stay positive and find the good in things, but it's really frustrating not knowing if you're ever going to be "normal" again, ever able to enjoy the things you love to eat.