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pretty sure that I'm under 130 lbs now....again, NOT by choice. Most days I have no appetite whatsoever and I'm forcing myself to eat what does go into my stomach. Then again, I'm pretty much limited to birds, fish, eggs, soup, veggies, rice, pasta, oatmeal, limited dairy, some fruit. So even if I could eat, i'd probably still lose weight because of the nature of what I can/can't eat. some days I live on protein bars just to make sure I get enough nutrients. Today seemed like the first day that I was actually able to eat anything significant and not feel like total crap afterwards. Other days, I can get 8 hrs sleep, run a couple of errands and then be completely exhausted 2 hours later. Other days I feel like I could go run a marathon with not a drop of training (ah, but I can't run because running is bad for my muscle problem and also if I did cardio, I'd drop even MORE weight). The next day, it's headache time. My mental therapist is convinced that all these physical ailments are just manifestations of grief and depression since all my medical tests came back clean. She referred me to a psychiatrist in order to get on anti-depressants. My physical therapist thinks that it's just my tight, twisted knotted muscles squeezing my stomach along with stress and anxiety. I just want to know when i should go back to the doctor and say "hey....still not better. maybe we should check this out because I don't think something is right." i mean, come on, it's been almost 2 months since my father's passing...I can't possibly be sick for that long, can I? I don't think it's normal for a person to not be able to eat for that long without something being wrong with them.

Remember when I was like 140ish and I bitched that I was fat? yeah, well let me just regain even 5 lbs so I don't look anorexic now and I'll never bitch about being fat ever again. Like none of my pants fit me, so I live in yoga pants now (I'm sure my boyfriend finds that WAY sexy...not. nothing like a girl who lives in sweatpants because that's all that fits anymore). My favorite pair of jeans? I can pull them off and on while completely buttoned and zipped. it's disgusting. Of course I live in a sick sick city where I could still drop another 10 lbs and people would stupidly tell me how GREAT I look because the camera adds 10 lbs. No, I don't look great. I look like I need to eat a damn cheeseburger.

And I miss coffee....I usually love this time of year because of all of the holiday drinks at Starbucks, Coffee Bean, even McDonalds this year with the peppermint mocha...and this year, i get NONE of it. 1. because I can't have coffee, 2. because i can't have the dairy.

It's so damn frustrating. I'm trying hard to stay positive and find the good in things, but it's really frustrating not knowing if you're ever going to be "normal" again, ever able to enjoy the things you love to eat.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
rioduran
Dec. 14th, 2011 09:16 am (UTC)
:(
Sorry you're still feeling like crap, Amy. It's so frustrating when the pain takes over your life like that. I know what the muscle cramping and pain is like and it SUCKS. I have Fibromyalgia, and have had it for probably 15 years or more. I was diagnosed in 1999. I take Nortriptyline for it, which keeps my pain at a manageable level. I think Nortriptyline is the cleaned-up version of Amytriptyline. It's an antidepressant, so it keeps my depression at bay as well. I was on Cymbalta and Effexor and similar meds for a long time but they never really helped. They made my pain slightly lessen but then just made me not care that I was depressed. Kind of a dirty trick, if you ask me.

The nortriptyline helps keep me from having a lot of migraines, and it also helps with my attention span. It's been great for me. I've heard other people say they hated it, or it didn't work for them, so I know it won't work for everyone. Hopefully you can find something that will let you sort of even out the rough spots to the point where you can work on some of the muscle and tummy issues.

Have you had your Vitamin D levels checked? I've read that if your D levels are low, it can cause tummy trouble and all sorts of other bad things. Mine were low last month when my doctor checked so he put me on 10,000 IU per day for 6 weeks, then I think I'm supposed to take 2000-5000 IU per day after that. I'm feeling a lot better overall since taking it for several weeks now.

Wow, I remember feeling fat at 140, lol. 128 is a good weight for me. Or at least it was before I had a kid, so now 140 is probably perfect for me. I'll let you know when I get back down there. :) I have had the "losing too much weight" issue once or twice, but you can see I've not had that issue in a while. ;) If you can settle on a few meals that make you feel good instead of bad, you might stick with those for a little while to see if that will level off the weight loss.

One thing you can do to keep from losing muscle, if you're worried about that, is take L-Glutamine. It also helps with your stomach somehow, I think helps neutralize the acid, but I can't remember for sure. It usually comes in powder form and you can mix it with your morning smoothie or glass of juice or whatever. I've sprinkled it on food, and I usually mix it with my oatmeal in the morning or whey protein shake. 1 teaspoon per day is the typical dose.

I hope you find some relief soon and can start to heal. I know all of this is unsolicited advice but it comes from years of living with chronic muscle pain. Do whatever you need to do to get better, and if that includes taking anti-depressants, well, you're in good company. :)

Big hugs!!!
aimercat
Dec. 15th, 2011 08:39 am (UTC)
Re: :(
today was another good day. 2 days in a row with decent eating.
moonwych
Dec. 14th, 2011 03:53 pm (UTC)
Grief does funny things to you, and can last longer than you think. I hope you get some relief soon, and they figure it out.
aimercat
Dec. 15th, 2011 08:40 am (UTC)
thanx.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )