Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I've been sick sick sick ever since I came back from Ohio and my father's funeral. Sick to the point that i wound up in urgent care twice and the ER once in a 1 week span. My boyfriend is ready to leave me because I'm possibly crazy (no joke, we've had so many fights over this). I'm convinced that something is deathly wrong with me. it's started with this undiagnosed pain in my hip/groin area that I've been dealing with for months. The gyno said 2 months ago during my annual exam that everything looked and felt fine "down under" and that she thought it was muscular. She sent me to physical therapy (which I can't go to because I don't have insurance and can't afford it). it's not going away but i just feel like SOMETHING more is going on, I just don't feel right....like a gut/intuition feeling. So she sent me to get an ultrasound.

Now I'm TERRIFIED of girly-type cancers because my grandmother had uterine cancer and there's a history of ovarian cysts, fibroids, other stuff. All my stomach problems are symptoms of what I just listed (according to the little pamphlet the gyno gave me at my exam...way to induce my fears more) Add in the fact that they often call these things "silent killers'. My mind is terrified. Now I have another appointment on Dec 1, but the receptionist said they would call earlier if anything showed up. It's been a over a week now since the ultrasound and nothing...I don't know whether to let my guard down or just still be flipping out. Actually i'm terrified of any cancer now that I've seen what my father has gone though...along with the fact that I don't have insurance. you'd think that if everything was fine 2 months ago that nothing could evolve THAT fast (and even the urgent care, ER doc and ultrasound tech told me it would be rare)

on an earlier trip to Ohio about a month before my dad passed, he had a bad spell and that resulted in me having a huge anxiety attack on the bathroom floor of my parents house: unable to breathe, throwing up, stomach pain. I was fine after that though.

My flight back from ohio, following his funeral (a month later) was 3 hrs of straight turbulance. I don't fly well and I was flying without anti-anxiety drugs (like i've done in the past). i was literally in tears on the plane and thinking I was going to die. Like I thought I was honest to god going to die on the plane. i've felt like crap ever since. i haven't been able to eat (no appetite), I've had bad constipation, body shakes, chills, heart racing, pain in my stomach and chest, hurts to take a deep breath, occasional lightheadedness...oh and i've lost like 10 lbs (which is the really scary part). I'm PARANOID that something is seriously wrong with me though and my future seems hopeless. Like I can't picture myself being healthy again. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's scaring the crap out of me because it's killing my relationship because it's stressing me, it's stressing brendan (and he can't have a lot of stress in his life)

The ER doctor said it's IBS, Acid-reflux (GERD), possible beginning ulcer, sleep deprivation and anxiety, but now I'm freaking out because it's been a week and I still really don't have my appetite back & I'm still losing weight. I'm on anti-anxiety (and I do better when I'm taking them), sleep aids, acid-reducers and stuff to make me go to the bathroom more often. Also, I pretty much can't eat or drink anything (no caffeine, no spicy, no acidic, nothing greasy/fried, limited dairy)And I start psychotherapy after thanksgiving. I'm wondering if I should be concerned, the ER doctor said it was going to take work to get back to normal, but didn't give me a timetable, so of course now I'm worrying again (which i'm not supposed to do). Like I don't see a future where I'm normal again....like I can't even picture the near future...I'm terrified whatever this is will kill me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy.

Just keep praying for me.



( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 20th, 2011 03:41 pm (UTC)
Stress can lead to things like IBS, GERD, Ulcers, etc, so it's possible you're just in a catch-22. I don't blame you for worrying, because I would be in your place, too, but it's likely your anxiety over your health is contributing to your symptoms, too.

If it was something more serious, they'd find it, though. The biggest reason those types of cancers are called silent killers is because they can live in your body for so long without you having any symptoms and because so many people don't get regular checkups and things to have these things detected early enough.

I really hope the therapy helps you and I will be praying for you to get well soon. ♥
Nov. 20th, 2011 04:59 pm (UTC)
Stress can really mess you up. All,I can offer you is hugs, and to let you know when my Mom died, I was really messed up for a long time, so I know that it can hit you hard, and it messes with your head. Good luck and I hope you get a handle on it soon.
Nov. 21st, 2011 05:32 am (UTC)
*hugs* I am so sorry things are not going well for you. Anxiety is no joke and no fun. As I told you the other day, if you need to talk - let me know. I am here for you and have been through a lot of the same stuff as you know.
Nov. 29th, 2011 03:29 pm (UTC)
I'm going to make a very radical suggestion. All this circumstance - the physical pain, the fears, the whole megillah - you need to write about it. Maybe not anywhere public, at least not now, but go in and jot all the things that are coming into your head.

And then - put them in your stand up act.

When I saw you on Saturday, I had to split before I could critique your act. In brief: you have a great hook (hot girl who loves sports), a good confident demeanor on stage, but you need stronger jokes. A lot of your material was coasting on the hope that everyone else followed sports like you and knew the names, and often times you really didn't have a punchline for these setups. After reading this, I can sense that perhaps you weren't fully there either, that you were going through the motions when you had bigger things on your mind.

As such, work with those things. Audiences can tell the difference between some weekend water-cooler comic who's using the same tired premises, and someone who's really trying to construct a narrative and a persona and take them for a trip. All the great comics told you something honest about themselves amidst all their jokes, whether it was Richard Pryor talking about his addictions, or George Carlin and his growing nihilism, or, perhaps for your purposes, Julia Sweeney talking about her cancer fight in GOD SAID HA!

I think you have the talent for this. Just talking to you and reading your postings for years tells me you have a generous spirit in how you take care of family and friends, and a mordant wit evidenced in your merciless "TOP MODEL" recaps and other gallows humor observations. You need not share everything that's plaguing you now, but go to the core and phrase it out in your personal way.

If you attack all these things head on, and find a way to laugh in that collective abyss, you're going to make a name for yourself. And maybe find some healing too.

You're not crazy. And you have a lot of people in your corner, including me. You'll beat this.
Nov. 30th, 2011 01:48 am (UTC)
thanx for advice. I was going to go off script and pull more into current general sports stuff, but I just didn't have enough time with mom being in town and what I've been dealing with. I was just happy managing to get up on stage without a massive anxiety attack.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

October 2017
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow