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I swore I wasn't going to blog about America's Next Top Model anymore because it really hasn't produced a TOP model (as a winner) and it's pretty much become a platform for the excessive narcissism of Tyra Banks. Even poor Nigel Barker had this look on his face last cycle like "enough already" while Andre Leon Talley performed not only verbal anal licking, but verbal cunnilingus on Tyra as well. Don't even get me started on the "celebrity" judges. However, like a moth to the flame, there was NO WAY IN HEAVEN, HELL OR EARTH that I could say no to the train wreck before me known as Top Model "ALL STARS!". The finest collection of shitshows, train wrecks and, well honestly, people who SHOULD'VE won all on one show. I have too many favorites. Now granted I'm a little biased because I know her, but this collection isn't complete without the wonderful Miss Joanie Dodds. Sadly, she's not part of the cast, but it's better that she's not. Let's be honest, though, there's no way she should stoop down to this level because she would be the clear winner from the get-go and frankly that doesn't make for great reality tv drama. This show is obviously doing an all-star edition (like so many reality shows before it because the ratings are dipping a little and you gotta get creative). Plus, she's doing well enough on DIY's "Run My Renovation" that she doesn't need this. Like I said, even with this stellar field, she would blow the competition out of the water. end of story.

Now on to the show....
-let's open the show with a "dream sequence" where tyra has a teddy bear wearing a smize shirt and Trya doing a bad imitation of all the girls and some really really bad acting.
-wha wha what...you say "celebrity mentors" and then say The Karfatty Kardashians, Kristin Cavalleri, Ashlee Simpson and LaToya Jackson...I thought you said "celebrity" and well, should anyone REALLY be taking career advice from the craziest Jackson of them all? What the fuck is this? I thought this was Top Model, not "how to be a reality star"
-Oh no...please ladies, do not take a page out of Tyra's book and try to sing and make your own music video. God, Tyra, why are you torturing these girls? why are you making them walk in the shoes of your failures and missteps. Weren't your blistered feet enough? you have to give them to these poor girls too? it's like saying...hey, these shitty shoes from Payless tore up my feet, but now you walk down the catwalk in them. Ladies, step away from this challenge
-Bre....please fight over granola bars. i'm beggin you! And Bianca...please be the one to hide them.
-Angelea...I pray to the Baby Jesus and all that is holy that Tyra does something about your 3-inch 'classy ghetto' roots that you are sporting with that moppy wilted lettuce that you call hair. if that's a weave, get your money back.
-Oh look, it's Taylor Momsen, so glad she's found work after getting booted unceremoniously from Gossip Girl. Wait, nevermind, that's just Allison from cycle 12 with her crazy blood obsession. maybe they are the same person...begin your conspiracy theories now.
-Sidenote: I have the same agent in Ohio as Shannon from Cycle 1.
-Bianca HATES having her hair messed. Remember the tears in her actual cycle when they shaved her head? Here it comes again only now it's because they're putting colored extensions in it.
-And here we go again with Shannon's moral values...Christ almighty. I don't get this damn logic. you won't wear lace shorts that cover more than a bikini bottom because they look like underwear. This poor girl would've had nothing to wear in the mid-80s if she wanted to look stylish and girly.
-hello L.A. Live...I used to work there. just saying. When they look down out the window, yep, that's the restaurant I used to work at. Where the hell was I when they filmed this?!?! Oh yeah, probably one of those stretches where I only got one shift a week.
-hold up wait a minute...Tyra didn't say "noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker" did i miss something in the offseason? Did he lose his "noted" title? I thought that was like being knighted. once a knight, always a knight. Like once you're "noted" you're noted....apparently not....and he has hair!
-i would say that Brittney, Kayla, Alexandra and Shannon are near the bottom...one of them is going home.

This season looks off the damn meat hook and I'm a hungry carnivore....FIRE UP THE GRILL!