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Cancer sucks....even more

Cancer sucks.

I know you're saying "duh, Amy...of course it sucks", but I mean it REALLY sucks.

Not only am I watching/hearing my dad battle this nasty disease, but now I'm watching my beloved cat, Niedermayer, fight it as well.

Niedermayer wasn't feeling well & wasn't eating or drinking when Brendan and I got back from our trip to Phoenix for baseball spring training & he was NOTICEABLY skinnier (this once 10-12 lb cat was down to barely 7 lbs). Took him to the vet and was told he had to have some teeth removed. They even had to take one of his beautiful little fangs Sadly, when they got in there, they noticed that his jaw bone was rather soft and did a biopsy on it. It came back as squamous cell carcinoma....cancer. I feel like i'm partially to blame because I got a little behind in his routine care due to my financial situation. I keep saying to myself "what if I'd taken him for his dental cleaning like I was supposed to" "what if i took him more regularly for checkups instead of getting new headshots or modeling pictures or some other stupid thing for acting/modeling stuff that has gone nowhere lately?" "what if I didn't spend 5 nights a week at my boyfriend's place even though it's only a mile down the street". i also started think that I should probably never even consider having a kid because if I can't even take care of this cat, I'd probably kill a kid as well. He's in general good health otherwise for his age: slight asthma (which the vet said many pets in la have), minimal heart murmur (from the asthma), but his joints and everything else are healthy which is why this diagnosis sucks even more.

Like my father, he can be treated, but never cured. I am absolutely crushed. I cried so hard on Friday night that I threw up and just today said goodbye to the headache i gave myself as well. We have an appointment with a feline oncologist on Wednesday and I'm hoping the treatment isn't expensive because I'm pretty much maxed out on the credit line the vets signed me up for when i was at the ER vet. Thank god I was able to pay off 2 other credit cards with my tax return. I'm still going to have to get a better 2nd or possibly a 3rd job...ideally I should probably get a steady 1st job that pays everything to pay this all off. (hard to walk away from a job that sometimes pays me to watch sports though despite some of the Lakers fans being an absolute nightmare.). I've already decided that if the vet tells me that treatment are expensive & will only buy me a couple more months with him that I will probably opt to put him to sleep & send him to kitty heaven before he has a chance to suffer. That may sound brutal (and it will probably kill me emotionally) but he is a named after a professional athelete and like the sun setting on a pro athlete's career...I want to see him go out on top as a champion instead of hobbling to the hall of fame a mere shadow of the legend that he is. If he can be treated and given some quality of life for a bit, though, i'm going to make sure he's as happy and comfy as he can be for as long as he can be. Like my father, I'm going to enjoy the quality time that I have with Nieder whether it's 3 months or 3 years and hopefully, I can come to terms with this much like I have with my father's illness.

I thank you for all of your well wishes and support in this trying time for us. I will keep everyone posted and try not to be too much of a Debbie Downer. I honestly don't think that I could do this without Brendan. He has been my rock through all of this...plus Ralphiedog keeps me happy at times as well.



( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 4th, 2011 08:18 am (UTC)
I cried reading this. We put my childhood dog down in August, and then in September I held my boss while she cried after putting down her cat. It just…sucks. I'm so sorry.
Apr. 10th, 2011 08:24 am (UTC)
Apr. 4th, 2011 08:34 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry Amy, I know how much you love your cat.

I don't think you should blame yourself, you made the decisions to the best of your ability based on what was going on in your life at that time.

I also don't think it's brutal of you to think about putting him down, it's a very hard decision to make and I know in the end you'll make the best decision for you and Nieder. I think the people that opt for that are braver and less selfish than many of us. (hugs)

Apr. 4th, 2011 10:04 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. :( I know exactly what you're going through and it really sucks.

Don't blame yourself, though. Cancer isn't something you can cause by something you are or aren't doing. This is a really crappy thing to happen, but it is not your fault.

I will be praying for the treatment to be affordable and for everything to work out okay. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
Apr. 5th, 2011 12:23 am (UTC)
I am sorry to hear about your cat. From your post you can tell how much you love him etc. Whatever you decide you make the right choice.

I am also sending good thoughts for your father too.

Apr. 7th, 2011 03:00 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry.

I know how you love him. When my cat died in 2004. it crushed me, we all still miss her.
Apr. 8th, 2011 05:28 am (UTC)
thank you. he was a very pretty kitty.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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