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haven't posted a personal post in a while. Probably because it's the same old usual pattern day in, day out: wake at sometime between 11am-1pm, drink coffee, piss around on Twitter & Facebook all day waiting for the phone to ring for auditions/meetings/job interviews that never occur, maybe go to the gym (or happy hour with lady_bogside), watch tv, stay up too late....rinse, repeat. My bedroom looks like a damn Xenia tornado hit it at times.

1. all my auditions have seemed to dry up. I don't know if this is just karma biting me in the ass where I went through a bad patch a few years ago and would just totally flake out on auditions (except the ones through my agent) and just no call/no show (yes, I know! bad actor/model, but like I said, I was going through a rough patch mentally...much like I am now.) As much as I'm happy to be blonde again (and I'm sure my father will be glad as well), I'm limited. I didn't think it through financially when I did it. I had enough money for modeling photos, but not enough for headshots as well. I had a photographer tell me she would shoot me some headshots for free, but then kinda went back on the deal (how typical LA). The only reason I have the one I have now is because a friend shot me for free and then retouched 1 for free for her photography portfolio. I just now this week finally got my new modeling shots that I've had since March printed for my modeling portfolio and got blonde headshot reproductions (I don't know how many times I've gone to an audition, handed them a redhead headshot & said "oh, dyed it blonde for a role" and then faked The Courtney Love Cocktail Hour as a webseries if they ask what i'm filming). I had 2 casting directors tell me that my hair is too long & too blonde. Another agent I met with (only because i'm all about always taking the meeting...not actively looking to jump ship) mentioned liking my hair when it was red (yeah...that's not coming back) & because I didn't want to get too personal, I didn't tell him the true reason for going back to blonde...my dad being sick. Therefore, I'm kinda in this limbo where I don't know if I want it darker blonde, strawberry blonde, long or medium and I'm just afraid of making the wrong mistake. Right now i get about 1 audition a month through my agent (sure it's my headshot situation) and my management company is going through this shakeup where the owner passed it over to his brother & they are still getting that whole transfer established. Meanwhile, I'm losing my mind. The one really 100% perfect audition that i did have, my stupid work ruined it for me by making me work an overnight shift for World Cup, telling me I'd only be there until 2pm and then making me stay until 7:30am thus resulting in my getting only 1 hour of sleep before having to be at my audition (oh yeah, the part ended up going to a girl I know. when you see the NCAA 2010 spot....I auditioned for the Ohio State girl!)

2. At the rate things are going, I'm going to be the only damn non-union actor left in Los Angeles. Every day I log into facebook or twitter, it's another friend posting "oh i'm SAG-eligible!" it freakin sucks. They're all doing webseries and stuff. I've tried to do my own, but I don't know how to even work my damn mini DVD-recorder that my parents got me for my birthday like 5 years ago. Even if I did, the next challenge would be how to edit anything. Can't afford to take a class to learn how to work the camera or how to edit either....cuz again, i'm broke (thank you hard rock cafe for screwing me out of my job that allowed me at least a little extra cash here and there especially during the summer. now i live paycheck to paycheck scrapping for extra shifts and have to get handouts from my parents at times to make the rent....not like they don't have other stuff to deal with). Does anyone think to even give me one line on one of these webseries? NO! they won't even call me and say "hey, if you want this you have to audition for it". I'd at least like to have the chance. I've even asked on all the mailing lists and forums I'm on if someone could teach me how to use this camera or teach me how to edit......nothing. Don't you just LOVE how friendly and helpful people are in this city? it only reassures my belief that people only help people in Los Angeles if there is something in for them or some way for them to advance their own careers. I've tried not to have this belief, but how can I help it when I keep getting evidence that say otherwise thrown in my face? Well, at least, more non-union stuff for me to NOT get called in for after everyone else is in the union.

3. my job situation sucks. Like I said, gone are the days at Hard Rock where I could easily make a $1000 in a week. No, now sometimes I'm lucky if I make that an entire month. Not really good when my rent is like 75% of that. I've tried and tried and tried (since like March to get a new job), I've had a few interviews, done some more of the dreaded open calls....nothing. I go into some of the places that have overlooked me and the service is HORRIBLE! Yep, welcome to LA where experience doesn't matter....having big boobs, being a size 0 & not a hint of looking near 30 is what you truly need to get a server/bartender job. I'm starting to wonder if that whole stink with that Lucky Devils place last year got me on some type of restaurant blacklist. Meanwhile, where I'm at, I'm not part of the "in" crowd & I suspect at least 2 of the managers dislike resulting in my getting few shifts and crappy stations at times despite being one of the few people who NEVER calls off (1 time in a year and that's because i had stomach flu), is always early, always in the right uniform, don't have a ton of voids & can handle large stations. I've put in for cross-training in other positions 3 times only to be denied every single time....including tv production for the place (basically running the epicenter of the 150 tvs in the place) SOMETHING RELATED TO WHAT I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE IN & I still got denied. There are a handful of people who are actually nice to me and i'm grateful for them, but the assholes really make it hard to work there. I try to trade shifts, no one will, but they'll totally take them from you outright (because they are greedy and I called people out on that with my last shift release I had to do in order to go to an agent meeting). The clientele is often cheap, overly demanding & abusive.

4. My dad is sick...and i live in a constant fear of the phone ringing with bad news. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer (in addition to COPD and beginning congestive heart failure) the day after I got back to LA from going home for Christmas & I haven't been home since (I'm going in August). He's been in and out of the hospital several times (he's home right now and appears to be stable). Every time the phone rings or I get a message from my sister, my heart starts racing. Add in a couple of earthquakes (including the 7.2 one on the US/Mexico border on Easter that was felt in LA when i was on the subway) and well, there is your answer for why I don't sleep sound at night and wake up completely exhausted. One of my worst fears is that my father will not be able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding (should it ever happen) and then i feel tons of guilt because I had a really great guy back in my 20s and I screwed it up. (please spare me the "wasn't meant to be" speech. trust me, I was at least 90% if not 100% responsible for fucking the shit up)

5. As a result of the stress, lack of sleep, etc....my ADD is almost completely full-blown attacking me again. I have to set alerts on my phones with alarms to pay my freaking bills (because i'm completely FUCKED if i miss 1 credit card bill and get hit with a late fee, increased payments and jacked up rates). I forgot to pay my dentist for my cleaning for almost 4 months (well that and also not having the money because I thought my crap work insurance would cover it and THEY DIDN'T...more on why I probably shouldn't even have insurance coming up). I tried to get treatment for the ADD and got rebuffed by that state. Apparently, you can get weed for anything in this state, but to get some pills for like anything (unless you're a celebrity), you have to go through a damn act of Congress along with getting a complete psychiatric exam (according to state law from the doctor I tried to get an appointment with initially) which OH...ISN'T COVERED BY INSURANCE! (shocker) and is MINIMUM $300 out of pocket. Nevermind, the fact that I have my medical records that say I was diagnosed when i was 6 with this god-awful disease. That being said, I'm saying "screw you state of California". At the risk of getting busted, I've gone through some connections to hopefully obtain some drugs to treat my condition until I can get home to Ohio where I can get a doctor to look at my records, see my family history of anxiety & depression and say "oh yeah, here, have some pills" no damn other questions asked. I used to bitch that small-town doctors were just death dealers who only worked in small towns because they were underqualified to get jobs in real cities, but now i'm starting to wonder. they may be the only ones who actually care about treating patients like people and not dollar signs. I can only imagine how bad I'd be had I not cut out a lot of the processed foods in my life (since preservatives, food dyes and crap like that have been linked to making ADD symptoms worse).

6. don't even get me started about dating woes. that's a whole other long War & Peace type post. basically I was on match.com for 6 months without a single date so I got to cash in the free 6 months as well and still nothing. The only guys who talk to me in public are guys with rings on their fingers or guys I wouldn't be caught dead with: bald/losing hair, too old. out of shape (you get my drift). You know what it took for me to get guys my own age to contact me on match.com even?!?! LYING ABOUT MY AGE! yep, it only proves my point that if you have a 3 to start your age that guys want nothing to do with you in LA. I changed that shit to 29 and I had suddenly had messages (still no dates though)

7. the one positive I do have is that my baseball blog got me invited to an Indians game by the team while I'm home. Nothing like seeing the Indians on their dime (well I have to pay for my flight and transportation, but I was going home anyway)

So that's what I've been up too. I've really been fighting hard though to get up & go to bed earlier, eat better, go to the gym, stay organized (thank you so much lady_bogside for cleaning the entire apartment the other day. I'm trying my best to keep it neat. She also makes me eat better & dress better), not just stay in bed all day and cry. It's a real struggle at times, but like my father with his illness, i'm fighting the good fight only in my head. I don't like showing vunerability or that I'm weak because being weak is what got me abused in high school, so it takes a lot for me to admit that I need extra help. I just hope that my mom can get me an appointment with her doctor while I'm home because I really need something whether it be help the ADD or the continual cycle of depression and anxiety.