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i swear i'm going to blog more in 2016

This blog is turning 15 years old this year.....yeah 15! I know! shut up and get the fuck out of here. really? yeah, really! Can you believe this shit? I think this is the longest relationship i've ever had with anything outside of my family. Now it's come close to dying a few times in recent years as I got busy with other forms of social media, but i think it's coming off of life support. Sometimes you have to get things off your chest and out of your head in more than 140 characters...and for the record, even if Twitter does expand, I'm keeping it at around 140. come on man, it's a tweet, short and sweet.

Anyway, i just need to write more. Be more creative. Get more things out there. Share my feeling more and well if you want to read it, read it and if not, move on. Sometimes i need to rant and maybe part of my anxiety problems that i've had in recent years are because i stopped venting some much on my blog and started bottling it up inside

they might be shorter entries compared to the novel-esque entries i used to write years ago, but hey....i'm a busy girl doing busy things these days (2 jobs, acting/modeling/voiceover, hosting 3 of my own projects on Periscope while developing a 4th....oh and trying to win back the love of my life after I contributed to screwing it up by being lazy about life among a few other things.). I'm constantly complaining how i don't have enough hours in a day so writing freaking War and Peace probably wouldn't work now.

that being said....it's shower time. acting gig tomorrow.

The Festivus Airing of Grievances

"I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it!"

That's right....the Festivus tradition of airing one's grievances...which consists of me lashing out at others and the world about how they have disappointed me in the past year. (or basically what I do on a daily basis during Cleveland Indians or Miami Dolphins games)

Let us begin....

-Bryce Harper, Kevin Love and Simon LeBon: you have disappointed me by not agreeing to go out on a date with me yet (yeah, I know the last one has been married to his model wife for like 30 years now....doesn't mean it's still not a disappointment year in, year out)
-All you breeders (you know, people with those germ carrying money sucking dream killers known as children): you have disappointed me by not hiring a fucking babysitter before you go to shop at Target....or the mall....or the grocery store....or the nail salon.
-Cleveland Indians: um....no social media seats this year? yeah that needs to change next season.
-Miami Dolphins: try the whole damn shitshow of a season. sorry, but i'm being honest. still love you though.
-Cleveland Cavaliers: i never get any (social media) love from you....besides Kevin, but I have my own grievance with him.
-Columbus Blue Jackets: i faithfully stand by while you not only abuse me with you abysmal record but also ignore my tweets as well.
-ESPN: sure you got a lot of new chicks on the air, but you're still missing me. Sarah Spain, Prim Siripipat & Kate Fagan rock!
-Tyra Banks: I'm still disappointed that you didn't go out with an all-ages cycle of America's Next Top Model. shame on you. Were you afraid I'd outfierce and outsmize your ass like Naomi Campbell still continues to do after all of these years & show you up on your own show? It's okay to be honest and say you're afraid that I'd be just too damn awesome.
-Starbucks: I should not be paying almost $3 for a drip coffee with caramel syrup.
-Trader Joes: i really need you to step up your social media game already. think of all the fun we could be having. I mean seriously....can someone get Joe a damn twitter account already?!!? it's almost 2016 for the love of Two Buck Chuck!
-Cosmopolitan magazine: Enough with the American Whore Story known as the Kartrashians. seriously...enough. no means no. Every other month one of these famous for nothing idiot hooker botox-faced placenta-eating heifers is on the cover of what used to be like the Holy Bible of magazines. Then they put the whole trashy lot of them on the cover one month and dub them "America's First Family" Maybe that's what inspired that lady who blinded herself with drain cleaner to do the deed. There weren't enough of those little perfume sample strips in that month's issue to make the stench of their trollopy vaginas go away from the cover.
-New England Patriots: I really really really really just hate you. end of story.
-Target: I'm disappointed you don't have a cage in the back of your store to lock up all the screaming kids.
-DunkinDonuts: I need a store closer to mid-city los angeles. don't be afraid of the "hood"
-McDonalds: your holiday drink game was weak aka nonexistent this year. Do better
-Victoria's Secret/PINK: you gave me crappy stuff for Indians in the MLB line & then no Dolphins stuff whatsoever this season for NFL line. You get coal for #festivus. Go lick a frozen Festivus pole!
-Donald Trump: You keep saying you're going to make America great again, yet you haven't left for Antarctica yet. Take that dead small furry woodland creature decaying on top of your head with you. That poor thing had a mother or was someone's mother. it deserves better.
-American Airlines: there are not enough characters allowed on twitter for me to even start so why bother?.....oh wait...i'm not on Twitter now....so let's cut through the bullshit. You are the shittiest airline ever. Your customer service director must be Atilla the Hun reincarnated because all of your representatives are heartless savage minions who are obviously following some cruel sadistic ringleader's orders to unleash the most unbearable hell and torture on travelers. I wouldn't even wish you on the Kartrashians.

Help me with my live-streaming shows!!!!

I'm planning some episodes of my live-streaming cooking show "Hungry Like the Cook" and "Amy's Tasty Travels". I'd love to know what the viewers would like to see. Also, I'm looking for a title for my upcoming sports show that everyone has been DYING for me to debut already.

Poll #2021629 hungry

What would you like to see me cook next?

breakfast dish
lunch/dinner dish
something from one of your many cookbooks
other (leave suggestion in comments)

What should I name my upcoming live-streaming sports show?

Sugar, Spice and Everything Sports
The Church of Sports
Homers, TDs & Goals.
The Fan Cave
other (leave in comments, must be all sports encompassing)

Give me suggestions of places in L.A. to hit up for Amy's Tasty Travels

Amy's Tasty Travels: Tierra Mia coffee

I was looking for a post office after having lunch in Downey & I stumbled upon this adorable little coffee cafe in Pico Rivera right next to the post office. I wish L.A. proper had more places like this.

Hungry Like The Cook: Berry Pie

It's way too hot to cook, so I've put my live-streaming cooking show "Hungry Like the Cook" on hiatus until it cools down. Therefore, I'm taking this time to look back on some of the videos that I've already done since I started in June.

So this was my VERY FIRST dive into the live cooking pool on Periscope. It's before I got my tripod, before I really knew what the hell I was doing. To add to the fun, it's also the first time I ever made a lattice-style pie crust which means it could've been a disaster on live internet.

and here's the finished product:

Amy's Tasty Travels: Knuckle & Claw

This is my other "show" that I started on Periscope/YouTube. I basically go to places that are fun, interesting, maybe i see them on a food show, maybe they are a staple of the area I'm visiting (like when I go to Ohio) and I give you a taste of what it's like to eat there. This was probably one of my first ones. My friend Candice and I went to Knuckle & Claw in the Silver Lake neighborhood of L.A.

I had my first lobster roll when I stopped in Catalina Island as part of my cruise to Ensenada Mexico. By the way, they're a lot cheaper and bigger on the island than here, but they also get their lobster shipped in daily from the East Coast at Knuckle and Claw.

So enjoy and look forward to more Amy's Tasty Travels.

Remember how I said I started a little cooking show on Periscope/YouTube....well here's one of my first videos.

This is a quick and easy way to take leftover chicken and transform it into yummy chicken tacos.

What's Amy been up to!?!?

What's this!?!? a blog entry!?!? from Amy!?!? holy shit! it's a damn Festivus miracle!

Okay, not really but it has been a damn long time since I posted on a regular basis. Let's get away from that and back to when I wrote....a lot.

So, you might be wondering what I've been up to.....oh just being broken hearted and miserable for the most part since Brendan broke up with me at the end of January. Hating life, losing weight from stress and anxiety due to our constant fighting while still trying to live under one roof, almost going batshit crazy when the doctors were trying to figure out the best anti-anxiety drugs for me (prozac bad, zoloft good....and there's nothing like having your mom tell you that you look like death and you tell her it's because you've only slept 5 random hours in a 72-hr span), then gaining weight from the zoloft (damn i'm fat right now...shut up, don't say that I have the height to carry it. I don't want to hear it. I flat out got lazy and stopped caring)

now that we've gotten the really sucky stuff out of the way, let's get to the awesome stuff. Thanks to my awesome pal casting director branding guru ball of awesomeness Bonnie Gillespie....she turned me on to the live-streaming video app known as Periscope. I HAVE FOUND MY VOICE AND THE MEDIUM TO SPEAK IT!!!

i've already started 2 shows....I do them live on Periscope and then transfer them to YouTube for replays. The first was a cooking show where I do fun demos in my kitchen. I call it "Hungry Like the Cook" (come on, you know I have to pay homage to my fave band, Duran Duran). The second is Amy's Tasty Travels (this title pretty much taken from Rachael Ray's show of the same name, but they say imitation is best form of flattery)...i go to fun places in L.A, (or wherever I'm traveling and I do little segments on the food, ambiance, history, meaning to me, etc). I am also developing a sports show and I'm even contemplating beauty/fashion stuff (for the sporty tomboy girl of course) as well.

I also joined instagram (follow me: amydharber) and initially it was just going to be food stuff, but hey, I don't have my boyfriend now so who gives a crap how many social media platforms I'm on now....this is all about expanding my brand and exposing myself now.

acting work has been a struggle...especially since my stupid ass gained weight, but I'm getting back into things. I did book a commercial a while back, so there's that.

Phoenix the cat is good. Ralph the dog is good & somehow Brendan and I are still living together without killing each other though it's tough at times especially since I still love him so much but he's like a closed door to me which breaks my heart at times. Thank god we have a 2-bedroom apartment.

I'm still working at the job I got in November and I'm also helping my pals out at their pizza place.

that's a lot of things in a nutshell. the long version would probably horrify you.

Caitlyn Jenner, courage & the ESPYs

There's a lot of stink about Caitlyn Jenner (former known as Bruce Jenner before her transition) being awarded the Arthur Ashe courage award at this year's ESPY Awards (the sporting world's awards show done by ESPN). A false story saying Noah Galloway was the runner up (not true...there is no runner up for the award). A petition to have it awarded to the late college basketball player Lauren Hill (yes, the girl was courageous. I don't disagree with that). I believe all 3 of these individuals are courageous in their own way. So I'm not going to argue that.

What I am going to argue about is the fact that people seem to be talking a lot of crap about whether it's "courageous" or not to do what Caitlyn is doing. That's where I have a problem because a lot of the people doing it on social media have probably not even met or talked to someone who is transgender. Is giving Caitlyn Jenner this award going to keep you from enjoying your lunch tomorrow or will it even matter 6 months from now? Ask yourself that. Nope....probably not. What it might do, though, is help people understand gender issues & possibly prevent another Leelah Alcorn situation from occurring (Click here if you are not familiar with the death of Leelah Alcorn)
Check the suicide rates of transgender individuals yourself if you don't want to believe me.

As of tonight, I've decided that I'm just going to keep cut/pasting the following response to every post i see on Facebook questioning Caitlyn's courage.

"such ignorance. do you know trans people? do you know their struggle both internal and external? well I do know a few and I do know of their struggles on DAILY basis & sometimes it takes courage just to get out of bed, be yourself and face the world. some trans people live in constant fear that they will be the victim of a hate crime. many are often shunned from their families. frequently laughed & mocked at by sales people when trying to shop for clothes/makeup/etc or (for those too scared to come out) living a life they hate because they can't be themselves & constantly scared their "secret" will be outed. go spend a day or two with a trans person, talk to them and then you can come back to me and talk "courage" until then STFU"

And I do mean TALK TO THEM....go to lunch, have some coffee, hell....if you're really damn adventurous go shopping. Relax....you're not going to "catch anything" or want to suddenly become the opposite gender. However, you will find that they are NOT "weirdos" "freaks" or "sick in the head" (like i've seen in comments on social media). They are just like you and me. They put their pants or dresses on the same way I do, watch the same shows, listen to the same music, cook the same meals, hold conversations....you see what I'm getting at here?!?? In fact, the trans people who I know....hell, they are some of the most generous, most accepting, nonjudgmental people I know and that's saying a lot to still be kind and open-hearted when a good portion of the world hasn't shown them the same in return. If you are confused or don't understand, ask mature questions. They will give you mature answers. Trust me on this because I have done it.

I'm pretty sure that Lauren Hill's grave marker probably says what she would've wanted it to say. Unfortunately for many trans people, they do not get that respect. Leelah Alcorn sure as hell didn't get that respect.

I can't wait to be moved to tears by Caitlyn's acceptance speech & I can't wait to see the fabulous gown she wears to accept it. I pray some of you have the "courage" to watch it.

Dear blog readers

I know I left you abruptly back in January and I kind of just up and disappeared, but I'm coming back....soon. I got a LOT of stuff going on. I'm talking like a metric shit ton of stuff going on....that's a lot of shit. big damn changes. scary ass changes. changes I never thought I'd ever been dealing with.

Until then...watch me get a little bit of my groove back....I've been making some live-streaming videos on Periscope here and there. Consider it a little sneak peak of some of the changes.

Periscope vids

and of course, follow me on Twitter


soon...my pretties....soon.

Carrie Bradshaw is to Manolo as I am to Nike

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." - Marilyn Monroe

For me, it's tennis shoes. I want to be girly and have cute shoes, but I have painfully narrow feet and bad ankles from playing tennis....also a recipe for disaster when you're a bit clumsy like me. Also, shoe shopping is always dreadful. Nothing is ever narrow enough for me unless I want to spend like $200 on a pair of shoes.

Therefore, I love Nike sneakers & my most favorite pair ever were the Andre Agassi black & white Nike Air Flares from 1994. I preferred playing tennis in men's shoes because they were cut higher on the ankles (which actually kept me from breaking my ankle the one time I rolled it). I really did almost conquer the world in those shoes.....I had a stranglehold on the top spot of my tennis team, rode those shoes to being an all-conference selection & almost went to nationals. I loved those shoes to death...I think i finally threw them out because they had a hole in the bottom of them just from recreational wear after their playing days were done. STUPID STUPID STUPID....why do I let people talk me into ever closet purging? (I hate you all. Carrie Bradshaw would never let this happen!)

About a year ago, I told Brendan (my boyfriend) that if I were ever to find a pair in my size again, I would pay whatever price I had to in order for them to rest on my feet again. Yes, even if I had to go into considerable credit card debt. These suckers are like Louboutins to me. That's how bad I want these shoes back into my life. They were the most perfect Nikes ever.

Guess what? They're being re-released by Nike this spring which means I probably won't have to take out a second mortgage on a home I don't own to even have a first mortgage on. Now comes the tricky part....finding WHEN the release date will be so I can have my ass at the Nike store that morning. I'm so afraid they will sell out. I have to have these shoes. (don't worry, I have connections working to get me a release date).

You will be mine....oh yes, you will be mine....and then, I will once again conquer the world.

The highs and lows of 2014

Overall, 2014 wasn't too bad. Then again, it wasn't too good, but hey, it's ending on a positive note.

-I went home to Ohio and spoke to young actors at my high school. A first. I was so freaking nervous.

-went to NJ, had my first taylor egg ham and cheese sandwich (a NJ delicacy), saw the MLB Fan Cave (along with filming my audition video on location), explored Eataly and dined at Iron Chef Alex Guarnachelli's restaurant Butter. I also froze my freaking ass off and I got snowed in under 16 inches of snow, delaying my flight by 2 days.
-modeled for a photo shoot for my friend, Kelly
-participated in the last in-person session of Self-Management for Actors class with Bonnie Gillespie

Mar: (a rough month)
-Our dog Ralph had been having some problems with his back. it was so bad, we would have to carry him everywhere. (he's fine now, btw)
-after being jolted up at 5:30am on St. Patricks Day by a scary-ass earthquake, filmed an audition video for The Great Food Truck Race with Brendan and my friend Caileigh. They loved us...they wanted us to come to network. In fact, they called us just hours after submitting our video. Then tragedy struck...
-Brendan got a call telling him that one of his friends was on life support and wasn't going to make it. I drove him almost 2 hours away during rush hour (hell in L.A.) to say farewell to his friend. It broke my heart as we also know his friend's wife (she's our dental hygenist)
-A couple of days later, Brendan's uncle passed away.
-Then we learned that the friend's sudden death was actually a suicide. Brendan took it really hard and well, i didn't always know how to best handle the situation.
-Needless to say, despite Food Network wanting us to come interview at the network offices, we had to pass. It just wasn't the right time. I still haven't mustered the energy to watch the season that we would've been on. It's just sitting on our DVR. Brendan, on the other hand, refuses to watch it all together.
-I did make it through 3 cuts for the MLB Fan Cave.....bounced right before the final cut.
-entered an online writing contest and managed to not get booted during the weekly eliminations until about September.

-Brendan got his wisdom teeth removed....finally. It wasn't fun, pretty or pleasant. He got through it though. He was such a trooper.
-Got new headshots

-We'd been through the ringer the past couple of months, so I suggested a cruise for Brendan's birthday. We found a good deal and headed out of Long Beach to Catalina and Ensenada, Mexico. We kayaked in the ocean, hiked on the island, had some local brews. I ate "weird shit" (as I put it). Went wine tasting in Mexico, got ripped off for some really bad fish tacos (seriously, the fish tacos at Rubios are better and cheaper). Had Starbucks in Mexico.

-met with a few agencies...always take the meeting.
-got my first voiceover credit when i did a voiceover on a spec commercial.

-made the bittersweet decision to leave my longtime agent to sign with Tangerine Talent...initially it was just commercially, but they brought me on theatrically as well later in the year.
-learned that my previous hairdresser, Brent, passed away.

-went home to Ohio, caught every game of Reds/Indians, ate at 2 restaurants run by Iron Chef Michael Symon...oh...and caught an epic foul ball at the Indians game (they even put me on the scoreboard)
-Lost my job of 3 years at the sports bar I was working at exactly 1 week after my birthday...no reason ever given to me other than "owners want to make a change" My regulars were shocked. I was heartbroken and it put a lot of stress on our household. Especially since I just blew a lot of my savings during my vacation.
-Auditioned for and booked the Fashion Angels charity fashion show in Ohio.

-the universe takes and the universe gives....no sooner did i lose my job, then I booked a guest star role on a cable re-enactment show. I'm talking the lead guest star. my biggest role to date yet! 3 days on set....most of it being made up to look near death. I had a lot of fun for being a "sick person"
-still jobless, but I was picking up some freelance catering shifts here and there.
-job interview, job interview, job interview
-oh....Brendan had his first battle with kidney stones and also lost his job...for a couple of weeks, it was really scary and we were living really poor. No income whatsoever since my unemployment got held up. He found a most wonderful job though.

-more job interviews, still no job. Well, job offer, but the place wasn't going to open until Nov and it wasn't the position I wanted. Still, I took it...in this case, something was better than nothing.
-did so well on that guest star role that the casting director called me for a co-star role on another show she works on.
-Went home for the Fashion Angels charity fashion show and rocked that damn thing.
-Got another job offer, but it's random and sporadic. I'm working special private events for Sprinkles Cupcakes.

-Brendan was still battling the kidney stones, but i think they figured it out. thank god! that was scary.
-Started my new job.
-Got a call from my old manager at my old job and he offered me a job at the restaurant he just partially bought with some other people. Somehow i went from no job to 3 jobs.

-Losing my damn mind working 3 jobs. Ok, not really, but I've been really busy.
-baking away my anxiety. lol.

Overall....sure there were some rough spots, but not too shabby....and I'll even be popping up on your tv somewhere and sometime in 2015.

Ebola or Cheesecake Factory?

Just a little short I was in....

Color outside the lines

(NOTE for non-regular readers or readers outside of Livejournal: this week's topic for the writing contest I'm in is "open topic" which means i can write about whatever the hell I want!)

I'm in an Facebook group for actors & there is a lot of focus on branding in that group. Every weekend, there is usually a topic that relates to your brand (for the record, my "brand" as an entertainer is sporty & sassy, but a touch girly...that's the short version). One of the first weekly topic (and the thing that really got it going as a weekly thing) was: What would your on-brand TED talk be?

I had to think about it for a bit....sure, it had to include my perseverance. I've been told so many times I couldn't do things in life. That only drives me to succeed even more. I reflected back on my life and came up with the perfect topic: Color outside the lines.

I've been doing it since kindergarten. In fact, that's the first time I remember getting in trouble at school (which I did a lot). The teacher tried to reprimand me for coloring outside the lines and I wasn't having any of that. Really? color inside the lines? where is the creativity in that? I have an active ADHD-ridden mind. It floats, it wanders and there's nothing wrong with that. My mom didn't make me color in the lines at home.. My color/paint by numbers were sometimes by the number and sometimes they weren't & that was okay as long as I was behaving. Now you send me school and some teacher is telling me that's not okay? Why? I see a world outside the line of that little circle you want me to color yellow. I'm pretty sure a defiant "no" then became a temper tantrum and I wound up in the principal's office (a place I became very familiar with through the years) & often because teachers weren't fond of my outside of the box thinking.

Flash forward to junior high. I was allowed to pick out my own clothes and I sometimes made some bold fashion choices. Why? because I could & my mom let me. This would lead me to get ridiculed at school, but sure enough....a couple weeks later, the same outfit I would get teased for wearing was now being worn by the popular kids. The only difference is they were being praised for how cool their clothes looked. Did I mention I was stupendously unpopular and bullied almost daily by students and teachers?

By the time I'd made it to high school, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a model. After a vacation to Los Angeles after my freshman year, I also knew I wanted the hell out of Ohio or at least out of the cow-tipping part of it. I love the bright lights of a big city, the hustle & bustle, the energy that seemed to flow 24/7/365. Definitely not coloring inside the lines. That's unheard of where I come from...crazy talk. You go to the local commuter college (if you even go to college) & you settle down in the country. Yeah, not happening with me. Of course, putting my intentions out into the universe and the world around me (namely my school classmates) opened me up to even more ridicule and bullying. Asking me if I was going to model dog food, telling me I was stupid for thinking I'd ever amount to anything worthy of moving anywhere, throwing dog biscuits at me at prom. Just a few examples. Still, I kept coloring outside of the lines....not as much, though.

I also played tennis and there was some more coloring outside the lines. I'm usually "the poor girl" at tournaments. A product of the public parks, a local grant helped pay for my private lessons, my tennis skirts were skirts from the kids department, my rackets bought on layaway or discount because they were former demo rackets. I modeled my game after Andre Agassi because he seemed to "color outside the lines" as well. One of his marketing taglines was "that oughta wake up the country club" & I lived by that mantra, often knocking off the country club kids.

I did go to college in a bigger city. Looking back, I should've bailed on college to pursue modeling, but playing tennis was important to me as well. After college, someone suggested I started modeling to pay off my student loans. I faced a lot of resistance at first. Here I was starting to model again at a time when most girls are calling it a career and most agencies are no longer interested in developing a "new face". Who are they to set the rules? I don't look my age. Why is age such a big deal? Forget that....I'll color outside the lines and make my own damn rules. I was lucky to find a photographer who felt the same way and was a mentor to me. He often took me to New York. When we couldn't get me into agencies for some reason or another, I'd get on the phone and fake being a manager or agent back in Ohio to get me an appointment with the agency (I had a nice list of aliases). I'd lie about my age (like anyone is asking for ID. as long as you look 18 and say you're 20, they don't care). seriously? fuck your fashion rules. If you don't want the 10-20% for helping me get the job, fine...eventually someone will. Just more money in my pocket.

It obviously works. I'm in Los Angeles, where I've been for over 10 years, working as a model & actor. (Oh yeah....I got a D in acting in college. my crime: turning Steel Magnolias into a comedic piece after the professor said "offer up your own interpretation" for the class final. Yeah, I colored outside the lines. Unfortunately, she seemed to like it as much as my kindergarten teacher enjoyed my little yellow circle at age 5).

I'm on my way to Ohio to walk in a fashion show as I write this. I'll probably be one of the oldest (if not the oldest) model strutting down the runway. There will be models half my age in the show. I continue to color outside the lines of what is the "norm". My life is probably more colorful as a result.

My name is Amy & I color outside the lines. Deal with it.
(NOTE for non-regular readers or readers outside of Livejournal: this week's topic for the writing contest I'm in is "hair shirt". A hair shirt is a shirt made of very rough cloth that some religious people wore in the past to punish themselves for things that they had done wrong.)

You would think I would know what a hair shirt was. After all, I have a European history degree. I had a religion minor at one point. I studied The Crusades. Women & the witch hunts (Salem & in Europe) were one of major papers (possibly my senior thesis). Surely, I should know....I didn't. I suspect it had something to do with the copius amounts of alcohol I imbibed while in college & the direct correlation to the number of classes I skipped.

Turns out, I was wearing one for about 10-15 years before I met my boyfriend, Brendan. Prior to meeting him, I was convinced I was cursed & unlucky in love. This was due to the fact that I cheated on a previous boyfriend, back in college, who I had thought was my soulmate. He even forgave me for my grievous mistake & I turned my back on him...opting for my freedom instead. I changed my mind, but he was then with a woman he would later marry. Our final exchange did not go over well. Thus began the karmic burden that I felt I was to bear.

I met another guy and it was great for a couple years. Then it wasn't, but by then I'd moved cross country to try to work things out with him. He ended up marrying the next girl he was with after me. There was also the whole awkward mutual friend's wedding where he showed up with his new gf & he's at the same table as me. My "date" was my best gal pal at the time, so I wouldn't be alone at this wedding. At least there was a great coffee bar at that wedding & I do love caffeine.

Duds, duds, duds and more duds followed (or I'd fall for gay guys who didn't know they were gay at the time. that's always fun). If I even got to the date part, that is. When i did...they were horrible (like the guy getting in a fight w/ another table at a restaurant on our date) I seriously went through a stretch of about 5 years of celibacy (I wasn't just having random hookups, that isn't my cup of tea) & then i figured something was better than nothing. Of course, that led to a few broken hearts because I always got emotionally attached (isn't that how it always happens?)

Then came a guy who we dubbed the Blondie Bear Douche Bag (hey Buffy/Angel fans...remember Harmony calling Spike "Blondie Bear"...yeah that's where it comes from because I was dumber than a damn box of rocks when it came to this winner). I thought I deserved the way he treated me....emotionally toying me along, never calling me his girlfriend, knowing he was hooking up with other girls. Between him and the previous hookups who just wanted to be friends, I was convinced that I was ok to have sex with but not good enough to be girlfriend material. I thought I deserved this though....I had love and I pissed it away. I had a guy who had my back 100% & I fucked him over. Karma says this is my payback & that's why I think I let this guy walk all over me. The final 2 straws were when he called me fat & finally, one of my good friends issued the ultimatum of "it's him or me" and made me ax this douche nozzle from my life. (btw, I last heard that this tool, who fat shamed me, my friends & anyone over a size 4, gained a bunch of weight....speaking of karma)

I'd finally had enough. It had been about 10 years of torment, constant loneliness and frequent rants in this blog how I was cursed. it was my lot in life to be alone & I needed to find a way to come to terms with that (feel free to go back to anything prior to Oct 2010 if you'd like to see for yourself)

Finally, I thought....maybe, just maybe....if I hunted down my ex, who I felt I wronged all those many years ago, and apologized for everything I'd thought I'd done wrong....maybe I would life would stop raining down so hard on me in the love department. I was terrified, but I found him on Facebook and I did it. (What if he goes off on me? What if he thinks I'm nuts for doing this? What if he just ignores me?). It was all paranoia in my head. Turns out....I was punishing and torturing myself for all those years for nothing. We both admitted to saying some really nasty things to each other. The ex & I are pals still to this day on Facebook.

A few months later, after removing the hair shirt I had worn for all those years, I met Brendan. It's not always been perfect & he did have to struggle for a while to convince me I was deserving of the awesome love he has to give, but he truly is my Prince Charming. I love him. I obviously did something to please the universe enough to bring this gem into my life.

Woooo! i made myself a commercial demo reel

So I had a LOT of free time today on set waiting to shoot my co-star role on a non-union cable show. Luckily, I had my laptop and fully charged battery. I opened up IMovie and about an hour later of tinkering, I had myself a commercial demo reel & (for now) saved my broke ass about $100-200 in editing costs.

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March 2016


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